The week from hell

August 13, 2016

This article was written for Annabel & Grace, which is now part of Rest Less.

So the week from hell!  It started, not unsurprisingly, on Monday in only a slightly moderately rubbish way.  I cycle to work every day and, halfway there, my chain comes off. It’s not ideal and I have to push my bike all the way to the office.! I’m late – not a good start.  If only I knew what was to come!

The week from hellTuesday.  I go off to do a wedding in the afternoon (I’m a celebrant) and cycle along (chain having been replaced by a wonderful man at work).  I have my handbag in the basket and trundle along thinking I look like the witch in the Wizard of Oz!  Anyway the wedding is fab. A real countrified event in a barn with a beautiful couple. All is good… until I get home.  I cannot find my key.  I literally tip the entire contents of my bag out but it is not there. So I am forced to scale a wall in my wedding finery and then manage to break a window to get in! I have a key safe but there isn’t a key in it since the Henley Festival when one of my sons borrowed it and didn’t replace it. It is an expensive inconcovenience that I take on the chin. I have leaded windows and they don’t come cheap!

c75601cf4b798b9bb038a5b73c93d358_XLWednesday. I take the dogs out for a walk along the river. It is a beautiful evening. Puppy jumps in the river followed by my elderly dog who also loves the water – no worries! All is fine until I see that elderly dog is struggling to get out as the banks are too steep. So I lean over to help and in slow motion, I watch in horror as my mobile slips into the water. In a nanosecond I jump in to save my device! As I scrabble to retrieve it (I was on the phone to my BBF at the time) I pick it up, shake off the water and find she is still on the line, so I try and explain my dilemma. As I look around both doggies are frolicking on the bank and I realise that I cannot get out either as the banks are too steep! As I have done another wedding that day I am wearing a beautiful Hobbs dress and flip flops (great combo don’t you think!). Luckily the river is knee deep where I am and I wade about holding my gorgeous frock up out of the water and trying to find a place to get out. Which I can’t. So I cry out “Hello can anyone help me please?” A group of young guys have been sitting on a bench and manfully come to my aid. I squelch home feeling silly and get a blister in the sole of my foot. My phone is still working though.

Thursday. I wake up and my phone hasn’t charged. When I take the dogs out for a walk, I try another charger – no joy. I thought I was lucky to have got away with my phone working after yesterday’s antics. I meet girlfriends for lunch and have a great time. But, sadly, the phone is clearly still not working. When I get home from lunch I open the post to find a tax demand for £674 – bollocks! I ring my insurance company and, happily, my mobile is covered so I start the claim process.

The week from hellFriday.  So, at the end of the week from hell, I am communicating via iPad. It’s OK, if a bit bulkier than my sodden mobile but at least I have something. I am due on a date and we have been texting up until now, but he has my home number and we have chatted a few times and all bodes well.  Another dog walk and this time I go in the opposite direction from the Thames, towards woods via fields. Literally minutes in and I realise my key is missing. Oh for goodness sake!

I retrace my steps and stop where puppy had a poo. No key so I go to the council bin where I deposited poo. Now to get my hand in and find my poo bags, I literally have to get my head in as my arms aren’t that long.  I have visions of being found with my head stuck in a council bin (these days tamper proof ) as you cannot take the lids off. They are locked on and you cannot tip them over as they are set in concrete! There are more poo bags than mine and I squish a few to see if any keys are there until I find one poo bag that isn’t tied – ugh! Anyway by now I have had enough of scavenging in bins and take the dogs further. Mistake!

Puppy has now discovered rabbits. She squeezes under a fence and she’s off. Eventually I find old and elderly dog who has taken the path homeward – but he’s deaf, so getting him back is not simple. When I find him I tie him to a gate that I then vault (rather athletically if I say so myself) to get to puppy. This time I’m not in wedding finery, but scruffy dog walking attire. However every time puppy tries to come back to me she runs off again as there are cows in the field. Her recall is not brilliant – she watches my elderly dog ignore me – so she ignores me too! Anyway I vault the gate get the dog and carry her past the cows. As I have a date tonight, I have had a blow dry. As I carry the puppy the heavens open and it buckets down. My blow dry starts to frizz as I collect elderly dog tied to a gate and drag the pair home with now less than an hour before I am due to meet the man. But you have lost your key, I hear you say. But, I replaced it on Tuesday so I now have one in the safe. Whew. All is not lost.

The week from hellBy now, I have 45 minutes before my date and want to have a shower to erase doggie messiness that I feel has engulfed me. I rush in, strip off the doggie walky stuff and switch on the iPad. WTF – a message from date cancelling!!! How could this week get worse?!?  His message says call, so I do. Long story but basically he has been exposed via his job to the Noro virus. Nasty. We chat for a while and he wants to reschedule for Sunday but I am going to see a Shakespeare play in Oxford. With my new rowing chums – have I mentioned I am having rowing lessons? Anyway we chat for a while and reschedule for Monday evening.

So here I am. I have opened a bottle of champagne – after this week it seemed a good thing to do! Close friends will tell you my fridge is rarely stocked with anything – just white wine/champagne, milk and butter – that’s it! And this week no exception. Luckily a very nice bottle of bubbles that was a gift and I order a takeaway.  I have a rowing lesson early tomorrow so won’t go mad but this was not the night I expected nor a week I wanted! Such is life…


You can read more of Sassy’s singleton adventures here

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