Throughout life, we’ll all be hit by challenges, pain, and setbacks. We might fail exams, get sick, lose loved ones, or experience financial hardship. But you may have noticed that the way each of us deals with adversity can be markedly different. Some people seem to crumble when they face stress or trauma, while others seem to almost effortlessly bounce back. That difference? Resilience.
What is resilience?
While some people are naturally tougher than others, all of us are born resilient. Looking back throughout human history, we can see that as a species, humans have endured an endless parade of challenges. From wars and plagues to economic depressions, and even the more recent pandemic, somehow we’ve pushed through, like a stubborn flower growing through concrete.
Away from global catastrophes and major events, resilience can also be seen in smaller ways. It’s what makes us apply for jobs after a sea of rejections; what compels us to finish a race even though our muscles are aching. When we falter, resilience is what makes us try – and when we fall, it’s what makes us rise.
According to Psychology Today, “Resilience is that ineffable quality that allows some people to be knocked down by life and come back stronger than ever. Rather than letting failure overcome them and drain their resolve, they find a way to rise from the ashes.”
Some scientists also define resilience as “the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats, or significant stress.”
If you don’t think you’re naturally resilient, there’s good news. Resilience, and the ability to adapt, aren’t rare powers only bestowed upon a lucky few. They’re skills, and while more natural to some than others, like any skill, they can be cultivated, developed, and strengthened.
So how do you build unbreakable resilience and prepare yourself for life’s curveballs?
7 ways to build unbreakable resilience
1. Prioritise relationships
The stress and pain of difficult events can lead people to isolate themselves – but resilience isn’t built in isolation. Being resilient doesn’t mean facing your problems alone. In fact, people who bounce back usually have strong support systems around them. So, when life gets tough, try to stay connected. Prioritise your relationships and lean on your friends and family for support.
Connecting with kind, trustworthy people doesn’t only remind you that you’re not alone; it can also help to validate your feelings, process difficult emotions, and find solutions – all of which help you feel more resilient. Go on a date with your partner, have lunch with a friend, or plan a walk with a family member. If you have loved ones who have overcome adversity, you could seek them out and ask for their advice.
If your support network is not as large or dependable as you’d like, there are plenty of other ways you can connect with others and build relationships. Many people find that being active in groups, communities, or local organisations is a good way to provide social support and regain a sense of hopefulness. To find out more, check out our article: 9 different ways to meet new people.
2. Develop your self-worth
People who are able to snap back from life’s setbacks tend to have several areas they draw their value and self-worth from. If your confidence stems from only one realm, it’s much harder to recover when something goes wrong. If you measure your self-worth by being good at your job, for example, and then get fired, you haven’t only lost your source of income – you’ve lost a huge part of your identity, too.
Resilient people usually have strong friendships or family connections, a role in the community, a faith, or a hobby or pastime that gives their life meaning. When you have several satisfying and enriching areas of your life, you might find it easier to bounce back from difficulties – because you still have a sense of self-worth from other areas.
If you think you need to develop your self-worth, why not try working on your confidence and self-esteem? There are many small steps you can take, from learning a new skill to practising self-love, that can have a surprisingly powerful effect on your sense of self-worth.
3. Find your purpose
As well as having a strong sense of self-worth, research suggests that resilient people feel a profound sense of purpose. Having a purpose outside of your occupation is especially important – because professional positions are temporary, yet our purposes, if powerful, rarely change.
If you feel unsure of what your purpose is, it’s worth spending some time to figure it out. We all need a sense of purpose to keep going, but there are times in life when it may elude us. Whether it’s being made redundant, losing a loved one, or our adult children flying the nest, unhappy or unexpected life changes can suddenly cause us to feel rudderless.
One of the best ways to garner a sense of meaning, improve self-worth, and connect with other people – all of which can build resilience – is to help others. From supporting a friend in need to volunteering at a homeless shelter, many people find that giving back in some way and making a positive difference gives them a powerful sense of purpose.
To find out more, you might like to read our article: 5 ways to find meaning and purpose in your life.
4. Embrace change
Change is the only constant in life, and accepting that is one of the quickest ways to feel more resilient. Resisting change only holds us back and makes us feel powerless. Instead of fighting against changes beyond your control, try to lean into them. Feeling doubt, uncertainty, and even fear are part of life, and it’s experiencing these emotions and coming through the other side that helps us build resilience.
If certain goals are no longer achievable due to adverse situations, remind yourself that it’s out of your control. The only helpful thing to do now, and the only way to move forward, is to accept the change and set new goals. The sooner you stop resisting change, the sooner you can adapt. For more on embracing change, check out our article: How to thrive through change.
5. Focus on what you can control
Similarly, fixating on things beyond your control is incredibly unhelpful. It can send your stress levels through the roof and make you feel consumed by regret. While it’s normal to think about things we wish we’d done differently, regrets usually only hold you back. You can’t change the past. The only thing you can change is whether or not you learn from your mistakes.
Rather than fixating on what could’ve been, or what you should have done, try to focus on the areas you can control: things like your daily routine, self-care practices, and the way you respond to stress. Try being thankful for what you have by practising gratitude. Learn from your mistakes, but don’t agonise over them. If you have stubborn regrets, try to see them as an impetus for growth. By shifting your focus, you can regain a sense of power.
6. Practise mindfulness
When you’re going through a difficult time, letting go of negative thoughts is easier said than done. One of the best ways to stay grounded during stress and uncertainty is by practising mindfulness. Our scariest thoughts are rarely about the present moment – they’re about what happened in the past, or what may happen in the future. Mindfulness, however, is all about focusing on the present.
Putting some time aside – even a few minutes – and focusing on your breathing can help you stay connected to what’s happening right now. This can help to prevent anxiety about the future and ease regrets over the past. Mindfulness also offers different techniques for dealing with other negative emotions when they arise, which can allow you to move forward with calm intent.
7. Practice cultivating forgiveness
Being able to let go of hurt and move on is another key component of resilience. Whether you’re ruminating over your own mistakes or an injustice committed against you, holding onto resentment and bitterness only holds you back. In order to move forward with renewed strength and peace, it’s important to be able to forgive – both yourself and other people.
However, if you’re not a naturally forgiving person, letting go of grudges can be difficult. Luckily, there are ways we can practice forgiveness. Acknowledging what happened, how it feels, and how it impacted your life is the first step; considering what lessons can be learned and how amends can be made is the next. Cultivating compassion, whether for yourself or other people, can create positive feelings of control and empathy.
To find out more, you might find our article, 9 steps to help you let go of guilt and forgive yourself, useful.
Final thoughts…
No matter how carefully we plan, life will always throw us curveballs. However, it’s often these difficult moments that reveal our true strength, and present us with new opportunities and chances to grow.
Learning to be more resilient doesn’t mean life suddenly becomes stress-free – but it does mean that when crises happen, you won’t panic or lose your head. Remember that it isn’t about not falling down…it’s about getting back up. It’s about changing your outlook so you’re able to turn adversity into opportunity, catastrophe into growth, and struggles into triumphs.
Prioritising relationships, developing self-worth and purpose, letting go of negative thoughts, and focusing on the things you can control are all part of the art of resilience. And, with a bit of practice, you’ll learn that true resilience is about more than bouncing back; it’s about bouncing forward, stronger, more hopeful, and more determined than before.
Are you a resilient person? Do you have any of your own techniques for building resilience you’d like to share with our readers? We’d love to hear from you in the comments below.
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