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Do you often say ‘yes’ when you really want to say ‘no’? Or maybe you struggle to speak up for yourself or set clear boundaries with those around you. If so, you might benefit from becoming more assertive.
Contrary to popular belief, assertiveness is a skill, not an innate personality trait. It can be learned at any age, benefiting our wellbeing in various ways.
However, in their new book, The Four Paths of Assertiveness, assertiveness experts Scott Cooper and Naoki Yoshinaga, PhD, suggest a new, comprehensive approach to living assertively; one that involves reevaluating how we think and spend our time, as well as how we communicate.
With this in mind, we spoke to Cooper about the potential benefits of becoming more assertive and asked for tips on how to get started.
What is assertiveness?
Traditionally, assertiveness is defined as communicating yourself in an honest, direct, and respectful way – from offering your opinion in work meetings to being honest with your partner about what you need from your relationship.
However, in their new book, Cooper and Yoshinaga stretch this definition further. “Our more comprehensive model of assertiveness uses the broader definition of ‘taking greater charge of your life through intentional activity,’” Cooper says.
In addition to the traditional understanding of assertiveness outlined above, which they refer to as ‘speaking up’ or ‘social assertiveness’, Cooper and Yoshinaga suggest three other paths of assertiveness. These are…
- ‘Jumping in’ (or behavioural assertiveness) – this involves purposefully engaging with enjoyable and meaningful activities that support our wellbeing.
- ‘Embracing compassion’ (emotional assertiveness) – this means finding ways to show compassion, which can benefit us as well as others.
- ‘Accepting life’ (mental assertiveness) – this involves limiting any unnecessary negative judgments that we make, which can cause dissatisfaction and other negative emotions.
What are the benefits of assertiveness?
When we don’t communicate assertively and overlook our needs and wellbeing, we’re more likely to find ourselves in circumstances that cause negative mental health outcomes.
For example, our tendency to take on too many work tasks may cause burnout. Or our inclination to ‘go with the group’ might lead us into situations that make us feel uncomfortable or those that go against our values.
Yet, numerous studies have suggested that social assertiveness (i.e. ‘speaking up’ for ourselves) can help reduce stress, anxiety, and depression, and increase our confidence and self-esteem.
Assertive communication can also enhance our relationships; being open and direct can foster trust and respect, while preventing conflict and resentment.
Beyond ‘speaking up’, Cooper explains that their paths of ‘jumping in’, ‘embracing compassion’, and ‘accepting life’ are all supported by decades of research as key strategies for fostering wellbeing. We’ll take a closer look at each of these in the section below.
6 tips for fostering assertiveness
Here are six tips for living more assertively.
1. Remember that assertiveness isn’t aggression
When it comes to speaking up, it’s important to remember that assertiveness isn’t aggression. Being assertive involves standing up for ourselves in a way that’s polite, non-judgmental, and considerate of other people’s points of view. This way, we can reach our desired results without damaging our relationships.
Cooper says, “Be respectful whenever possible, but don’t give up and don’t give in until you’ve arrived at a reasonable outcome. This can often be done on a friendly basis […] Respectfulness and politeness can often provide excellent outcomes without the residual damage that sometimes occurs with forceful bluntness.”
It can be helpful to think of assertive communication as a healthy halfway point between passive communication and aggressive communication.
2. Find your own way to speak up
There’s no one way to speak up for ourselves, so Cooper recommends trying to find your own ways to comfortably express your opinion or find the courage to say no.
For example, if you find speaking up challenging, perhaps being forward about this could ease some of your anxiety. Cooper suggests saying something like, “This is hard for me to tell you, but this is what I honestly think,” or, “I feel bad, but I need to say no.”
As long as you express yourself clearly and directly, it doesn’t matter too much how you do it. As Cooper says, “This is not about style; this is about saying the words and not giving in.”
3. Feel the fear and do it anyway
As mentioned above, the second path of assertiveness outlined in Cooper and Yoshinaga’s book is ‘jumping in’ (also known as behavioural assertiveness).
‘Jumping in’ is about purposefully engaging with enjoyable and meaningful activities to help boost wellbeing and life satisfaction, even when we don’t feel like it. In the psychology world, this is known as ‘behavioural activation’, and can involve anything from daily exercise to accepting challenges that take us out of our comfort zones.
“The next time your ‘can’t do’ instincts kick in,” Cooper says, “just go for it; jump in. Action often precedes motivation, rather than vice versa.”
By this, Cooper means that we can’t always wait until we want to do something or feel ready to do it. Oftentimes, we need to take the first steps, and motivation and satisfaction will come later.
4. Consider ways to help others
Cooper and Yoshinaga have included ‘embracing compassion’ (also known as emotional assertiveness) as one of their four paths of assertiveness because it can bring many wellbeing benefits, such as increased happiness and reduced stress.
“We tend to think of the most obvious form of assertiveness as speaking up, but in terms of the impact on humanity, oftentimes the most important act of assertiveness is an act of compassion,” says Cooper. “Personal power isn’t just about words – it’s also about intentionally helping to relieve suffering – the biggest challenge of all to human wellbeing.”
There are many ways we can embrace compassion in everyday life. This could be as formal as volunteering for a cause you care about or as simple as making an effort to be a better listener for those around you.
For more information on compassion and how you can embrace it, check out this article from Verywell Mind.
5. Rephrase negative judgments
“Our natural instinct to make judgments can be a prime source of daily dissatisfaction and negative emotions,” Cooper writes in Psychology Today.
Some negative judgments we make are necessary. For example, recognising someone’s toxic behaviour may indicate that we need to distance ourselves, and being honest about our own faults is an important part of self-reflection.
However, many of the negative judgments we make are unnecessary. For example, we may be overly harsh on ourselves or get bogged down in something that’s out of our control.
With this in mind, Cooper suggests making an effort to recognise these unnecessary negative judgments and intentionally rephrase them with more neutral wording, i.e. ‘It’s part of life’ or ‘It is what it is.’ Reframing these judgements can go a long way to shifting our perspective and improving life satisfaction.
6. Be true to yourself
Many people feel they need to alter their personality to become more assertive and adopt a blunter communication style – i.e. standing taller, making more eye contact, etc. However, Cooper tells us that this isn’t true; anyone can be more assertive while staying true to who they are.
“Assertiveness can be a challenge for someone who is innately shy or inclined to be more passive. [But you] can be shy and assertive; you can be low-key and assertive.
“We certainly have genetic predispositions and instincts that can make assertive living more difficult, but as [psychologist] Daniel Goleman has written, ‘temperament is not destiny’. We can still say words when we feel nervous, and we can still take action when we don’t feel like it. Our book has numerous tools to help people take greater charge of their lives, particularly if their natural temperament sometimes gets in their way.”
Final thoughts…
“Happiness studies suggest that maybe 50% of our wellbeing is due to our genetic predispositions and 10% is due to our life circumstances,” says Cooper.
“We can’t do anything about our genes, and sometimes it is difficult to overcome life circumstances (especially relating to physical traits and mental capabilities). The remainder of wellbeing, though, is made up of intentional activities. This is the realm where we can make a difference. And it’s very clear that we can indeed make a difference.”
By incorporating some of the above tips into your everyday life, we hope you start to see some of the benefits of living assertively. And for more advice and practical strategies, check out Cooper and Yoshinaga’s book: The Four Paths of Assertiveness.
Are you interested in becoming more assertive? Are you planning on trying any of the above tips? We’d love to hear from you in the comments below.
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