Most of us know the importance of a good night’s sleep. But a recent poll found that 38% of Brits rarely feel well rested – and a further 14% never do. While things like caffeine, alcohol, stress, and anxiety are typically cited as reasons for poor sleep, there’s another contributing factor less frequently talked about: our other halves.
If you’re often kept awake by your partner’s snoring, fidgeting, or different sleep schedule, you might like to consider trialling a ‘sleep divorce’. While this term may initially suggest relationship troubles, many couples have credited a sleep divorce with saving their relationship, and improving their physical and mental health.
So what exactly is a sleep divorce – and could it be just what your relationship needs?
What is a sleep divorce?
Sleep divorce is the practice of couples sleeping in separate beds – or bedrooms – to improve sleep quality. While it may seem like a relatively new trend, the decision for couples to sleep together or apart has fluctuated throughout history, and the idea that it’s ‘right’ or ‘natural’ for couples to sleep in the same bed is largely based on which time period you look at.
The concept of the marital bed was born in ancient Rome; the lectus genialis was where couples slept, were physically intimate, and had private conversations. In the medieval ages, on the other hand, spaces were more communal, and poorer families often shared one bed. By the Victorian era, it was again the norm for couples to sleep together…yet by the 1920s, twin beds were all the rage. And since the 1950s, sleeping together in a double bed has been taken as a sign of a successful marriage.
But, recently, things have changed again. Many celebrities have extolled the benefits of sleeping separately from their partners, even if for just a couple of nights a week, and the topic has been widely discussed on talk shows, radio, and social media. But there are other reasons why the topic of a sleep divorce has become so prevalent.
“There’s a growing awareness of how important sleep is to overall wellbeing, particularly as we age,” Lisa Artis, Deputy CEO of The Sleep Charity, told Rest Less. “Attitudes toward relationships have evolved, with less stigma around doing what works best for each couple, even if that means sleeping separately. The pandemic also played a role. Spending more time at home made many couples reassess their routines, and for some, it became clear that separate sleeping arrangements led to better rest and a happier household.”
While couples of all ages are benefiting from a sleep divorce trial, there’s an overwhelming number of couples aged 50+ who are finding sleeping separately is the right solution for them. But this isn’t because older couples want to spend more time apart, Artis says: “Life stage changes – such as menopause, medical conditions, or chronic pain – can significantly impact sleep quality, making separate sleeping arrangements a practical and compassionate solution for many in midlife and beyond.”
The benefits of sleep divorce
So, what are the biggest benefits of sleeping separately from your partner?
1. Reduced risk of major health conditions
The first benefit is, of course, better sleep! Not only does sleeping separately reduce disruptions caused by a partner’s snoring, restlessness, or differing bedtime routines, but it can also lead to deeper, more restorative sleep. This type of sleep is incredibly important for physical wellbeing; it promotes bone and tissue repair, strengthens the immune system, enhances cognitive function, boosts energy restoration, and enhances cell regeneration.
Sleeping separately is also shown to increase the total amount of sleep a person gets by an average of 37 minutes. Studies show that having just six hours of sleep a night can lead to a 200% increase in the risk of stroke or fatal heart attack, while also leading your brain to develop toxic proteins linked to Alzheimer’s disease. So, the importance of even an extra half hour’s sleep each night can’t be minimised.
2. Improved relationships
While many people view sharing a bed as a sign of intimacy, couples who try a sleep divorce often find it improves their relationship in unexpected ways. Firstly, sleeping separately can eliminate arguments about sleep-related preferences. Feeling rested usually means less irritability, too, reducing the chances of snapping at your partner. Waking up resentful and tired is rarely good for a relationship.
But many couples find that sleeping apart actually improves intimacy. Rather than relying on everyday, obligatory closeness, the physical separation can create a renewed appreciation for shared moments and intimacy. Making plans for intentional closeness and exploring new ways to connect can even inject a spark into long-term relationships, reintroducing anticipation and desire.
3. Improved mental health and overall wellbeing
We’ve already seen how getting more sleep can improve physical health and reduce the risk of major illnesses. But the effect on mental health and wellbeing can be just as powerful. Studies show that just a single night’s poor sleep is enough to harm our ability to regulate our emotions – so the extra sleeping time can be the difference between a good and bad day.
Plus, when you’re habitually well-rested, it can have a knock-on effect on all areas of your life. Increased energy, improved mood, and enhanced focus make it easier – and more pleasurable – to invest in your work, family, hobbies, and health. Feeling tired can mean you’re more likely to eat sugary, unhealthy foods, and less likely to exercise, whether that’s going to the gym or walking. Many couples report that sleeping separately added a powerful desire to ‘get up and go’ each morning.
How to navigate a sleep divorce
While some couples find that sleeping separately actually enhances their emotional connection and intimacy, do bear in mind this isn’t always the case. Sleeping apart can feel like a big deal, and if it’s something you’d like to try, it’s important to approach the subject delicately and think about how you can implement these changes into your life as seamlessly as possible.
So, how do you navigate a sleep divorce? Deputy CEO of The Sleep Charity Lisa Artis tells us there are five main steps to take…
1. Communicate openly
“The decision to sleep apart should be made together, not as a sign of rejection,” Artis says. “Talk about your needs and be honest about what’s not working.” If your partner feels uncertain about the idea of sleeping separately, try to emphasise that sleeping apart has nothing to do with the strength of your relationship. It’s not a punishment, it’s about doing the best for each other.”
2. Frame it positively
There’s nothing good about poor sleep, so it’s best to avoid minimising the mental and physical health risks. Instead, focus on acknowledging the positive – and even, momentous – impact a sleep divorce can have. Try to frame it as a helpful step forward for you both, one that can strengthen your bond long-term, rather than taking it as a sign that your relationship is in trouble.
3. Create intimacy in other ways
While sleeping apart can improve sleep quality, it can make some people feel disconnected from their partner, or reduce spontaneous intimacy. So, if bedtime used to be your bonding time, it’s key to create intimacy in other ways. “Physical closeness, shared routines, or setting aside time to connect emotionally ensures the relationship remains strong,” Artis says – so look for new ways to connect.
To make up for the lack of physical closeness at night, try to find other moments of intimacy during the day. Try going on an evening walk together, making dinner, or sharing a morning coffee. If you have bedtime rituals, like brushing your teeth together or cuddling in the morning, try to preserve these. Just because you’re not sleeping together doesn’t mean you can’t share time before and after bed. Plus, preserving little moments like these makes sure important relationship touchstones stay in place.
4. Design cosy individual spaces
For a sleep divorce to work, it’s important to have individual spaces you both feel comfortable in. If you don’t have a spare room, you can still sleep separately. Instead of having one bed in the middle of the room, why not see if you can fit two beds on either side? Even if the beds need to be smaller, having your own space means you can usually stretch out just as much. Alternatively, you could try making a comfy bed in the study or living room…it just needs to feel cosy and inviting.
“Make both rooms (or sides of the room) comfortable and inviting to avoid feelings of isolation or imbalance,” Artis tells us. If you’re sleeping in the spare room, try not to call it ‘the spare room’; it’s important to see it as your room, somewhere warm and welcoming. Take time to decorate it how you like, with the mattress, pillows, and duvets of your choosing.
To get inspired, check out our article: How to design the perfect bedroom for sleep.
5. Stay flexible
What a successful sleep divorce looks like can vary from couple to couple. There’s no single solution, and, like most relationship issues, compromise is key. “Some couples find a combination works best – sleeping separately most nights but coming back together occasionally,” Artis tells us. This can be especially helpful if one person is more apprehensive about sleeping alone than the other.
Talk to your partner about a sleep rhythm that works for both of you. Why not try sleeping apart during the week and coming back together on weekends? There are a multitude of possibilities, and you can find the right one for your situation through open communication.
Final thoughts…
It’s impossible to overstate the importance of sleep – yet too many of us don’t get enough of it. Sleeping separately might seem unconventional, but there are many reasons why trialling a sleep divorce might have positive effects on your physical health, mental wellbeing, and relationship.
If you’re concerned about the effect sleeping separately may have on intimacy, remember that intimacy isn’t built while you’re asleep. It’s created in the many little moments of your waking life – and with a little consideration, you can introduce more meaningful, intentional intimacy into your partnership.
“Sleep divorce isn’t a sign of relationship failure,” Artis says. “It’s a thoughtful step toward personal wellbeing and relational harmony. For those over 50, it can be a chance to reclaim rest and wake up feeling energised, rather than frustrated. It’s all about what helps you feel your best – mentally, physically, and emotionally.”
If you’re struggling with sleep issues, whether alone or with a partner, you don’t need to suffer in silence. You can visit The Sleep Charity for more information or professional support, or head over to our sleep section.
Do you think you might benefit from a sleep divorce – or would sleeping apart be something you’d think of trying? We’d be interested to hear your thoughts in the comments below.
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