Relationships aren’t always sweetness and light. Life is complicated, as are people! We experience hard times, low moods, and high tensions: a plethora of circumstances, big and small, that can trigger disharmony with those we love the most.
Although none of us enjoy having irritable words and upsetting fights with a partner, they’re something of an inevitability when we spend a lot of time with someone. Plus, the odd fight is normal and can even be healthy if channelled into growth and understanding.
But constant bickering – low-level sniping and petty back-and-forths over small things – can be akin to a woodworm infestation in your home; slowly eating away at the wood and weakening the overall structure until it risks total collapse.
So why do we do it? Put simply, bickering is an easy pattern to fall into when you love and live with someone. We can all be irritable – and we can all be annoying. But bickering usually stems from something deeper. Many times, it’s caused by unresolved conflicts and resentment that cause us to find fault with small things our partner does. Bickering can also be caused by a need for space, among other things.
While this may sound gloomy, the good news is that bickering can be prevented. Relationship experts have been researching these dynamics for decades, and there are lots of tried and tested changes you can make to how you think, act, and react to help you stop arguing, and have a better relationship.
Here are seven of the most effective things you can do to stop bickering with your partner.
1. Soften the start of your interactions
You feel the frustration course through you, the anger rising in your stomach, and the urge to make a cutting or critical remark…it’s natural. There will always be moments when you feel like this, whether it’s because of dirty dishes, forgotten commitments, or some other transgression. What matters in these moments is how (and even, if) you address things.
You might be 100% certain about what’s bothering you. If you had a mediator appear out of thin air the moment you highlight the issue to your partner, they may even say you’re in the right. But no matter how vindicated you are, approaching the issue in an aggressive, contemptuous, or judgmental way is unlikely to garner a productive response.
Research has shown that the likelihood of a couple’s divorce can be predicted just by observing the first three minutes of their conflicts. It seems that those who begin conflict with more significant displays of negative emotion are more likely to divorce than those who begin with positive and loving statements.
Before speaking to your partner, take a moment to do what the Gottman Institute refers to as a “soft start-up”. When you feel frustration bubbling up, make the effort to avoid accusations. Instead, approach the issue as if you’re a team – which is what you probably want to be anyway.
What does that look like?
A soft start-up looks like a pause, right when you want to say “You never do this!” or “You always do that!”, and a conscious choice to employ a different approach to the problem. Instead of apportioning blame, focus on what you actually want from the conversation.
For example, if you want help from your partner, instead of angrily saying, “You’re just sitting around scrolling on your phone when the house is a mess”, try something like “The house is a mess – let’s get stuck in together for an hour and then we can relax”.
Yes, this is easier said than done in the moment, and no it’s not always simple. But if you want stability and happiness with your partner, taking yourself off attack mode and into team mode is key.
2. Lower the tension
Okay, let’s say the start wasn’t as soft as it ideally could have been, and things have started to get heated. It can easily happen, and once those first cross words have been uttered, it’s easy for things to get out of hand.
You might have tried to approach your problem softly and been met with defensiveness anyway. Or maybe you responded to your partner’s issue with anger and now things are starting to spiral…this is the time to consciously de-escalate.
Try to do what the Gottman Institute calls “repair attempts”. These are actions or statements that are designed to stop negativity and anger in its tracks. When bickering escalates, it can be easy to ignore or forget that it’s a person you know and love in front of you and say things you don’t mean. Repair attempts are a way to prevent this from happening.
What does that look like?
It might mean asking for a pause and expressing that you don’t like how heated things are and don’t want a fight. It might be holding your partner’s hand or even hugging them to stay connected in love, even while dealing with conflict. It might even be making a joke (carefully, and very dependent on the joke and its context)!
The point is that it’s a way of reminding yourself and your partner that you love each other and are bigger than the bicker.
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3. Focus on the good
Relationship therapist and relational intelligence expert Esther Perel recommends this as a key preventative measure for banishing bickering. It can be easy to get bogged down in negative feedback loops, especially if a recurring issue keeps cropping up, however small.
She suggests keeping an appreciation diary to prevent those negative thoughts from taking over and elevating the things you love and appreciate about your partner.
Multiple studies show the power of gratitude in changing our entire outlook on life for the better. This strategy takes that knowledge and applies it to one area of our lives – our relationships.
What does that look like?
Find a journal and a pen, and start writing down everything your partner does that you appreciate. It doesn’t have to be grand gestures or expensive gifts, it can be as simple as “She put the hot water on so I could shower when I got up”, or “He makes me coffee in the morning”.
Find all the small positive things they do, and focus on those – on what’s working.
4. Accept annoyance
It’s normal for human beings in close quarters to get on each other’s nerves from time to time. Maybe your partner walks too heavily around the house, breathes too loudly, or talks too much or too fast when you’re watching TV…
Whatever these little annoyances are, try to accept them. You will feel annoyed at times and so will they, and that’s okay. It doesn’t need to become an argument, and expressing contempt about small annoyances is rarely fruitful.
What does that look like?
Probably one of the greatest ways to navigate minor annoyances is with humour. Only you know the kind of ribbing and rapport you have with your partner, but if you can hit the right note with them, then go for it.
5. Listen to understand, not to defend
When your partner expresses frustration, even if they do so in a way that makes you feel defensive, it’s generally because there are underlying frustrations that might not be perfectly expressed in their words. It can be tempting to argue back or defend ourselves against those words while neglecting to hear what’s really being said.
“You’re never around” might sound like an accusation, but what’s really being said is actually “I love you, and miss you, and I want to spend more time with you”.
Vulnerability can easily get masked in anger – if you can see beneath that mask and get to the heart of the problem, it can help your partner feel safe enough to be vulnerable without the mask in future.
What does that look like?
If you feel criticised, take a moment to quell the natural instinct to defend yourself. Repeat what your partner is saying back to them to let them know you are listening to what they say. If they are upset about dishes, try to get to what that really means – they feel overwhelmed with housework, or maybe unsupported.
Instead of arguing about how often you did the dishes last week, or reminding them about the time they left a greasy pan in the sink, try to get to what they’re feeling underneath it. Let them know you’re trying to do that: “I get that it’s annoying for you when things pile up”.
6. Carve out connection time
People always say that relationships are hard work. Much of that work is in preventing bickering and misunderstandings – but it’s not just about avoiding the bad, you also have to cultivate the good.
Relationship expert and psychotherapist Harville Hendrix advocates for structured time with your partner where logistics and issues are not discussed, phones are put away, and you talk to each other about your hopes and dreams, passions and fears, and all the things you know and love about each other.
We can get bogged down in the minutiae of life and forget to truly connect. The better connected you are, the easier it is to avoid the bickering that can cause or result in disconnection.
What does that look like?
Date nights, long walks or hikes, lazy mornings drinking coffee in the garden…it can be anything and you don’t even have to leave the house. The point is that you are present with each other and really seeing each other.
7. Remember the end game
The end game of this is (and should be) a harmonious life with the person you love. You want that, they want it, and you have both committed to try and achieve it. That means choosing your battles, letting things go, and compromising.
Maybe they’ll always put the loo roll on the holder the wrong way around. You might never get them to show an interest in golf. There might just always be some makeup tubs or tubes left around the sink.
In the grand scheme of things, these are small blips. As long as you’re both generally doing your best and making an effort to be good to each other, are they worth the kind of disharmony and upset that can damage what you have? Likely not.
What does that look like?
A deep breath and a shrug, while you remember everything you love about them.
Final thoughts…
It’s unrealistic to think that arguments will (or should) never happen, but you can make sure that when they do, you navigate them in a way that’s a net positive to your relationship. Listening, understanding, and compromising are the key tools that allow you to do that so you can prevent constant low-level fighting.
With practice, patience, and love, you can overcome one of the most common pitfalls and toxic patterns that couples can fall into, and transform conflict into connection.
Note: Of course, these tips don’t apply to abusive relationships. If you think that you might be in a harmful relationship, you can read this article about what domestic abuse looks like and where you can find support.
Have you mastered healthy conflict resolution with your partner? Or are you still struggling to stay calm in conflict? We’d love to hear from you in the comments below.