Self-sabotage is a behaviour where someone harms their success or happiness, consciously or subconsciously.
Whether due to factors like low self-esteem or fear of failure, if unaddressed, the cycle of self-sabotage can significantly affect quality of life and impact a person’s ability to go after their goals. However, while self-sabotaging behaviour can feel difficult to overcome, there are ways to break the cycle.
Here, we’ll look closer at self-sabotaging, including its impact, potential causes, and ways to move forward.
What is self-sabotage?
Self-sabotaging refers to personal behaviours that harm a person’s success, happiness, and progress – often preventing them from accomplishing their goals.
While some people may be aware of their self-sabotaging actions, others do so subconsciously. For example, someone who’s overweight and on a diet may consciously sabotage their progress by eating an entire pack of biscuits. On the other hand, missing a deadline may, on the surface, seem careless but could be a form of self-sabotage used to cope with a fear of failure.
Self-sabotage can sometimes be difficult to understand because it’s an action taken directly against oneself. However, there are several reasons why people might thwart their own progress, including past traumas and low self-esteem, which we’ll cover below.
What can cause self-sabotaging behaviour?
There are several reasons why people may engage in self-sabotaging behaviour. However, experts generally agree that self-sabotage is most often used as a coping mechanism to deal with stressful situations or unresolved trauma.
Unfortunately, self-sabotaging typically makes problems worse and can impact a person’s ability to successfully move forward in a healthy way – further exacerbating the cycle.
We’ll cover some potential causes of self-sabotaging behaviour below.
Childhood trauma
In some cases, growing up in a dysfunctional family can cause people to have self-sabotaging tendencies.
Our early experiences can significantly impact how we view ourselves and connect with others. So, if your parents never encouraged you or told you that you’d never achieve anything, you may sabotage yourself due to an underlying belief that you’d never succeed anyway.
Low confidence and self-esteem
Having low confidence and self-esteem can lead to self-sabotaging behaviours. People may behave in ways that confirm the negative beliefs they have about themselves. In some cases, this can get to a point where succeeding at something makes you feel uncomfortable.
Difficult relationships
Being in a relationship with someone who puts you down can make you question your self-worth.
This can impact future relationships by making you feel as though you’re not good enough or cause you to fear that you’ll get hurt again. To escape these feelings, people may self-sabotage – for example, by cheating on their partner or breaking up for no reason.
According to this study, some of the main causes of self-sabotage in romantic relationships include insecure attachment styles, low self-esteem, fear of getting hurt, and unhealthy relationship beliefs.
Cognitive dissonance
Cognitive dissonance refers to the mental discomfort many people experience when holding two conflicting ideas. According to experts, many cases of self-sabotage can be linked with cognitive dissonance because, as human beings, we like our beliefs and actions to align.
For example, if you’re about to land a great client at work and get a pay rise, rather than do what’s needed to propel yourself forward, you may hold back because, internally, you don’t feel worthy.
Examples of self-sabotaging behaviour
Self-sabotaging behaviour can look different for everyone, and may vary depending on the cause and your personal circumstances. Common symptoms can include negative self-talk, overthinking, becoming isolated, and struggling to set healthy boundaries.
Experts have identified three main categories in which self-sabotaging behaviour tends to manifest: procrastination, perfectionism, and self-medication. We’ll explore these below.
Procrastination
In many cases, procrastination is closely linked with self-sabotage. Most often, procrastination related to self-sabotage is used as a form of self-protection. For example, you may decide not to attempt a task in the first place to avoid the risk of failing or disappointing others.
Perfectionism
Perfectionism is a personality trait characterised by setting incredibly high standards and expectations. It can be a form of self-sabotage because holding yourself to impossible standards will always result in delays and setbacks.
In many cases, perfectionism can fuel the cycle of self-sabotage by reinforcing negative beliefs about yourself when you inevitably can’t meet such expectations.
Self-medication
Navigating a constant battle between wanting to be successful and seeing yourself negatively can be mentally draining. As a result, it’s not uncommon for people who self-sabotage to self-medicate with things like alcohol or drugs.
4 ways to end the cycle of self-sabotaging behaviour
If you’ve been stuck in a cycle of self-sabotage, it can feel difficult to overcome. However, the good news is that there are several ways to help break the cycle and go after your goals. We’ll cover some of these below.
Note: If self-sabotage is impacting your daily life, it’s worth looking into therapy and counselling services, which can help address the root cause of your behaviour in a structured way.
1. Consider why you’re self-sabotaging
To overcome any kind of behaviour pattern and make lasting changes, it’s important to understand the root cause.
Cycles of self-sabotage are often the result of negative life experiences that cause people to question their abilities and self-worth. For this reason, it can help to reflect on and identify any particular thought patterns you struggle with.
For example, you might struggle with a fear of failure, or find that your self-sabotaging habits are due to low confidence and self-esteem. By understanding the source of your struggles, you can make a plan to work through them – either by yourself or with a professional.
For further support, our healthy mind section has information on everything from breaking negative habits to letting go of guilt.
2. Take steps to stop procrastinating
Procrastination is closely linked with self-sabotage, so taking steps to break this habit can make all the difference. Not only are you likely to feel more confident, but being more productive is likely to leave you feeling more positive about your ability to succeed, too.
Check out our article, Procrastination – why we do it and 5 ways to stop, if you’d like help getting started.
3. Challenge negative thoughts
An important part of the process of pressing past negative thoughts is to replace them with positive ones.
For example, if your mind tells you that you’ll fail or make a fool out of yourself, try telling yourself out loud: I’m going to give it my best shot and, even if I fail, I’ll just give it another go.
For help with this, you might like to read our guide on positive self-affirmations. Taking time to meditate on positive affirmations – for example, through journaling or mindfulness, can also help them become part of your thought process.
Alternatively, if you struggle with a fear of failure specifically, you might find our article on overcoming perfectionist thinking useful.
4. Be patient with yourself
As with any challenge in life, breaking the cycle of self-sabotage can take time. Remember, self-sabotage is learned behaviour often developed over long periods, so it’s natural for things not to immediately change overnight.
For this reason, it’s important to be kind and patient with yourself, take it one step at a time, and remind yourself that you’ll get there eventually. Celebrating your achievements, both big and small, can also help you to focus on how far you’ve come.
Final thoughts...
Coming to understand and recognise self-sabotaging habits in your life can be difficult. However, with a little time, patience, and perseverance, it’s entirely possible to flip your thought process, break the cycle of self-sabotage, and enjoy a happier and more productive life.
For further reading, head over to our healthy mind section. Here, you’ll find information on everything from coping with stress and anxiety to therapy and counselling services.
Is self-sabotaging something you’ve struggled with before? Do you have any tips for overcoming self-sabotaging behaviours that you’d like to share? We’d be interested to hear from you in the comments below.