How does Rest Less make money
We make money through advertising and commission from affiliate links, which enable us to offer Rest Less as a free service to our users. The content on this page may use affiliate links, which track traffic from our website to a third party provider and enable us to receive a commission or payment from any traffic we refer.
* Affiliate links on this page have an * next to them. We place enormous importance on our editorial independence and the integrity of our content which means that we will never change how we write about something as a result of an affiliate link.
If you’re reading this article, there’s a good chance you might be going through the process of accepting and exploring your sexuality or gender identity.
You might also be considering sharing this identity with others, which can be highly emotional. It’s normal to feel nervous, unsettled, hopeful, liberated, confused – or something else entirely. But it’s worth remembering that whatever you’re feeling is valid.
If you feel ready to come out, there might be various reasons why. Perhaps you’re tired of hiding who you are and feeling trapped. Or maybe you dream of having the freedom to pursue new relationships, introduce people to your partner, or connect with the LGBT community.
The process of coming out can be incredibly liberating, and many liken it to feeling truly happy and alive for the first time.
However, it’s important to remember that the decision about when and if to come out is entirely yours. You might decide that you’d prefer to keep your sexuality or gender identity private, or that coming out isn’t an option due to safety concerns (though this can be difficult to comprehend; it’s a sad truth for many). Only you will know what’s best for you, and if you decide not to come out or now isn’t the right time, this is okay.
While the process of accepting and sharing your sexuality or gender identity is often associated with teenagers or people in their early 20s, remember that people come out at all times in their lives. For example, ex-Navy secretary Ray Cunningham and his partner both came out in their 50s, while civil servant Barbara Hosking revealed her sexuality when she was 91.
According to the Office for National Statistics (ONS), more people than ever before are identifying as lesbian, gay, or bisexual – as of 2022, it was 3.3% of the UK population aged 16 or over. And, in 2021, the ONS also reported that 68,410 people (0.62% of over 65s) identified as lesbian, gay, bisexual, or another minority sexual orientation (LGB+).
So, whether you’re thinking about coming out, have already started the process, or you’ve recently found yourself feeling attracted to people of the opposite sex, the following 12 steps might help.
1. Remember, coming out is often gradual
The term ‘coming out’ can make telling others about your sexuality or gender identity seem like an event that happens once. But the process will often unfold gradually.
The first step might involve accepting and embracing your identity and becoming comfortable in your own skin, even before telling anyone. Sometimes, this part can be the most challenging, especially if you’ve been suppressing your identity.
Most people start by telling family and close friends, or connecting with others in the LGBT community. Next steps could involve feeling happy talking about your partner at work or openly dating people of the same sex. Throughout life, there might also be times when someone wrongly assumes your sexuality or gender identity – and whether you decide to correct them will be your choice.
It’s worth considering what you’d like to achieve by coming out, as this is personal and will be different for everyone. For example, if you know that you’re gay, but are in a relationship with someone of the opposite sex, perhaps your main concern is finding a way to tell them.
Or maybe you’ve told loved ones about your sexuality or gender identity already, but would like to work on feeling more confident about going out on dates in public – simply because this is new territory for you.
2. Consider how you’d like to come out
There’s no right or wrong way to come out, and it doesn’t necessarily have to involve a serious sit-down discussion. If the idea of starting a conversation about your sexuality or gender identity makes you uncomfortable, you could explore other ways to come out. For example, asking a friend or family member to accompany you to an LGBT event or casually mentioning your partner.
Some people also prefer to come out slowly, while others might prefer to tell several people at once. For example, by posting something on social media, where their connections can see it.
If you plan to tell people one-to-one and want to give them time to process the information, you could write them a letter, send a text or email, or have a phone conversation. Sometimes communication at a distance is the best way to give you and the person you’re telling some breathing room, and can help you feel more in control.
Alternatively, if you do decide to have a face-to-face conversation with someone and you’re unsure what to say or worried you’ll forget if you get nervous, you could try writing it down and/or practising it beforehand.
3. Connect with the LGBT community
As human beings, we’re often happiest when we can unapologetically be ourselves and make meaningful connections with like-minded people. So hiding parts of your identity and feeling as though you can’t be true to who you are can be a lonely experience.
Sometimes coming out to others in the LGBT community can be an easier first step to make than coming out to loved ones. You may meet others who can share their experiences and offer support and advice – and it can be a relief to speak to people who can relate to what you’re going through. Plus, being around people who are out and proud can be empowering and uplifting.
There are a few ways to get involved in the LGBT community. For example, Meetup.com has an extensive list of LGBTQ groups across the UK that hold regular social events, online and in person. Alternatively, Stonewall, the UK’s leading LGBT rights charity, has various events available.
4. Talk to a support organisation or counsellor
If you don’t feel ready to share your sexuality or gender identity with friends and family, but need to get things off your chest, you could speak to someone impartial and non-judgmental, like a counsellor or support organisation.
This can be a helpful way to process your thoughts and feelings and get used to talking about your sexuality or gender identity out loud. It’s not uncommon for people coming out later in life to feel as though their sexual or gender identity is less ‘valid’ because it took them longer to express it, or to have worries or concerns about breakups or divorce after coming out to a spouse. You might also have years of repressed feelings to work through.
If this sounds familiar or you’re questioning your sexuality, struggling with your mental health, or feeling lonely or isolated, please know you don’t have to suffer in silence. Plenty of LGBT support organisations offer information, support, and advice. Many have helplines run by volunteers from the LGBT community. For example…
- You can call the LGBT Foundation on 0345 330 3030 (weekdays from 9am-9pm) or email [email protected]. Another option is the Switchboard LGBT+ helpline, which you can call on 0300 330 0630 (every day from 10am-10pm) or email [email protected].
- If you’re feeling desperate and need somewhere to turn quickly, the Samaritans helpline is open 24/7 (just call 116 123). They’re always ready to offer a listening ear and some kind words to anyone, at any time.
Pink Therapy has a directory of therapists who can provide specialised support for LGBT people. Some LGBT charities also offer counselling sessions. Plenty of counsellors have experience dealing with issues that LGBT people can face, such as low self-esteem, difficulty accepting their sexual orientation, or coping with other people’s reactions.
5. Start with people you trust
If you’re worried about how certain people will react to your news, it can be helpful to build a support network around you first.
You could start by only telling people you trust and feel reasonably confident will support you. Having just one person by your side can make a real difference, and you could even ask them to be there when you come out to others.
If you have children and your ex-partner is supportive of your news (though this won’t always be the case), you could tell your children together.
6. Expect people to ask questions
The process of coming out later in life is likely to come with a few questions – especially if, say, you’ve always been in heterosexual relationships, or are in one now and have children.
A partner might ask if you always knew you were lesbian, gay, or bisexual, or whether you’re feelings have recently changed. They might also want to know whether your past feelings have been genuine.
If you have children, they might have different questions about next steps, such as where you’ll live and what this will mean for your relationship.
How you answer these questions (and how many you answer) is up to you. There might be some questions that you’re expecting and feel prepared for, and others you might not have answers for yet. If a question catches you off guard and you need time to think, it can be helpful to say this so the person asking doesn’t feel like they’re being dismissed.
It’s important to remember that coming out isn’t an invitation for interrogation, and you don’t have to share any details you don’t feel comfortable with. However, those close to you might ask for a level of explanation to help them understand and process what you’re telling them, so it’s best to be prepared for this.
7. Consider that loved ones might already know
It can take great courage to come out to others, and you might be worried about people’s reactions. But it’s a common occurrence for loved ones to reveal that they already knew.
It’s best to prepare for this, as sometimes, when you’ve had sweaty palms, a racing heart, and have built up to tell someone your big news, it can almost feel like a wasted effort.
But try to remember that someone knowing about your sexuality or gender identity and carrying on like normal is often a testament to how they feel about you, and a sign they appreciate you for who you are.
8. Allow people time and space for processing
If you come out and someone reacts badly, then, although hurtful, try to remember that initial reactions aren’t always permanent.
With time and space, someone who’s just shocked or surprised can hopefully process the information and have a more positive conversation later on.
9. Be prepared to possibly lose friends – but hopefully gain new ones
Unfortunately, there might be times when someone can’t accept who you are. It’s a good idea to be prepared for this, but not to let it affect your feelings towards yourself or your decision to come out.
Coming out to others is a brave step to take, and those who don’t support you or reveal themselves as homophobic aren’t worth having in your life.
However, coming out involves sharing more about your authentic self with the people around you. And in doing so, you’ll hopefully build stronger connections with those who accept and support you, and form new connections with other like-minded people. You might lose a few friends, but hopefully gain many more.
10. Remember, you’re in control
When coming out to someone, it’s a good idea to let them know whether they should keep this information private. Sometimes people can assume that, if you’re telling them, you’re telling everybody. But this isn’t always the case.
There’s also a chance that people may encourage you to tell others once they consider the news to be ‘out’, but this decision is yours. If you don’t see a reason to tell certain people or you’re not ready, this should be respected.
11. Read LGBT books and films
In many cases, hiding your sexual or gender identity can subconsciously leave you feeling as though there’s something wrong with you. But this isn’t true, and whether or not you decide to come out, it can help to remind yourself of this.
One way to do this is to read books or watch films that celebrate LGBT individuals and the larger movement for equality, love, and acceptance for all.
If you enjoy reading, you could start with Orlando by Virginia Woolf, Leaving Isn’t the Hardest Thing by Lauren Hough, or Sensible Footwear: A Girl’s Guide by Kate Charlesworth. Or, if you fancy watching some films, why not start with Moonlight (2017), Portrait of A Lady (2019), or Before Stonewall (1984)?
12. Try online dating
Coming out can be an exciting and liberating time. You might feel relieved to no longer have to hide parts of yourself – including who you choose to date. If you don’t have a partner, but you’re interested in finding love or companionship, online dating might appeal.
Dating online can help test the waters and ease any nerves if you’ve never dated someone of the same sex. You can chat to people at a distance and explore what sort of people you might be attracted to – all in your own time and at your own pace. There’s no pressure to meet up with someone if you don’t want to.
Rest Less Dating, Match.com, and eHarmony are examples of dating sites that welcome singles of all sexual identities and gender identities. And for some tips for navigating the world of online matchmaking, check out our dating section.
Final thoughts...
Coming out can be a life-changing experience, but unfortunately, it’s rarely easy. It can evoke a range of emotions from freedom and true happiness, to confusion and sadness, to anger and guilt.
Whatever you’re feeling, it’s important to be kind to yourself and only come out on terms that are right for you. If you decide that coming out isn’t the right step (now or ever), this is okay, too. No one should push you to reveal information about yourself that you’d prefer to keep private.
If you’re feeling frustrated or distressed that you haven’t come out sooner, remember there will always be reasons why you’ve chosen not to – and, at the time, these reasons were just as valid as your decision to come out now.
Try to be gentle and compassionate towards yourself in the same way you would if a friend shared their sexuality or gender identity.
Some say that coming out feels like falling in love with yourself. Not only does it involve committing to and accepting yourself, but also allowing yourself to be completely honest about who you are and how you feel.
You can’t control how others respond when you come out, but what you can do is trust yourself, practise self-love, and remember you deserve to be happy…
"If I could have chosen to be gay or straight, I think I would have simply chosen to be happy."
Have you recently come out? Do you have any tips and advice on the process that you’d like to share with others? We’d be interested to hear about your experiences in the comments below.
Join the discussion
Read our full commenting terms and guidelines