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You might have experienced it. The sudden moment when that feeling hits you out of nowhere. You’re hanging out with your date or partner. Nothing out of the ordinary is happening, and suddenly they do something, you notice it, and everything changes.
It could be anything – eating a little too noisily, mouth breathing, walking flat-footedly with a slap. It could be running for a bus, or trying to pick up a dropped coin. But you notice it, and it sends a wave of repulsion through you, sometimes so strong that you know you can’t come back from it, and it signals the end of the relationship.
This is what’s known as the “ick”, and it’s common enough to have been recognised, coined as a term and, in recent years, gone viral as a common dating experience. You’ve probably heard the phrase work its way into common parlance, especially if you use social media regularly or watch reality TV. And although it’s become a widely used term relatively recently, it’s been a “thing” for a lot longer.
In fact, Sex and the City’s Carrie Bradshaw was responsible for an uptick of “the ick” as a term when, in 2003, she describes getting the “ick” from an overbearing lavishment of gifts and attention from Alexander Petrovsky, her final straw being when he croons a love song he wrote for her.
But that wasn’t its first mention; Ally McBeal is sometimes credited as being the source of the first mention of the ick in 1998, when Ally mentions she can feel the ick before a first date.
But before Ally, in 1994, there was an episode of Friends aired called “The one with the ick factor”, wherein Monica has a dalliance with a much younger man…the ick isn’t a new term. And, as a feeling, it’s always been around; you’ll see the concept portrayed hilariously in an episode of Seinfeld, without the term being used whatsoever, when Jerry dates a woman who’s perfect in every way except for her large hands.
So it’s clear that the ick is far more than just a recent social media meme. But what exactly is it? What’s the psychology behind it? And does it always spell the end of a relationship?
Keep reading as we explore the feeling and how you can handle it so it doesn’t sabotage your dating life.
What exactly is the ick?
It’s that sudden, inescapable, overwhelming pang of…well, what exactly? Is it revulsion? Disgust? Embarrassment? It’s that instant feeling of “nope” we suddenly feel towards a new romantic interest for an ostensibly minor reason; the “nope” that lets us know we’re not attracted to them anymore, and it probably won’t work out.
The ick can be a very visceral feeling, and, in fact, is often described as being more felt in the body than understood in the rational mind. We don’t know exactly why it’s happened; we just know that it has, and that some, if not all, attraction is now lost.
Most people experience the ick over something trivial and even silly. So much so that it can even feel quite mean – it’s not that anyone has done anything wrong, it could be as ridiculous as the way they put on a jumper, or how they sneeze, or if we see them slip on a banana peel. We’ve all slipped on things, so it’s completely unfair to hold it against someone, right? But the ick doesn’t care about fairness.
The ick can be stealthy, sneaking up on us when we think things are going just fine. It’s not that we dislike a person’s character, or find them unpleasant in any way; we could be happily getting to know someone, enjoying their company, finding them funny and kind and charming, when it suddenly happens. We might even be thinking this could really turn into something…and then it hits us.
Across the table, we see our date try to get a bit of spinach out of their teeth, and as we watch them, we’re overcome with a repulsion that’s totally disproportionate to the situation.
And because it can be quite a powerful reaction, and as difficult to shake off as it was quick to hit us in the first place, it makes sense to explore it, think about what’s behind it, and ensure we’re not letting it get in the way of a good thing.
Is the ick real? What causes it?
The ick isn’t a clinical diagnosis or an illness, but it’s very much a real phenomenon, and can have a real impact on your dating life.
It doesn’t yet have a large body of research surrounding it that can tell us anything definitive, but researchers have begun looking for answers. Here are a few theories about the psychology behind the ick.
It might be connected with our disgust response
Disgust sensitivity is a much-studied evolutionary response in humans, and one that evolutionary psychologists have taken great interest in. Generally, it’s what keeps us away from death and disease. Think of all the things we find disgusting: rotten food, dead animals, vomit, and other bodily excretions…our disgust response is there to tell us, “don’t touch that”.
Well, research has also found that the disgust response plays a role in our mating strategy, and that people with a higher disgust sensitivity are typically more selective. They’re also more susceptible to feeling disgust towards traits that they perceive as signalling incompatibility or low mate quality, and find it more difficult to shake those feelings.
It’s not that the ick is telling you that your date is a disease risk or dangerous, but it might be signalling an incompatibility that your brain hasn’t processed yet.
It may be a symptom of de-idealisation
The early stages of relationships can often involve idealisation, a well-documented phenomenon in relationship psychology. It’s part of the limerence phase many of us feel when we first meet someone. We’re excited, we like them, we want it to work, and we’re attracted, so we can tend to overlook flaws, fill in gaps about them with our own fantasies, and project desirable traits onto them.
This type of idealisation can be good for bonding, but it’s an inherently unstable phase. One theory is that the ick appears in moments when idealisation begins to collapse. We see a behaviour that reveals the “limerent object’s” awkwardness, neediness, dorkiness, or imperfection, and it can abruptly shatter our fantasy, triggering an abrupt and visceral emotional reversal. What’s important here is that this reaction says less about their behaviour or qualities, and more about the ick-haver’s unrealistic expectations vs objective reality.
In this sense, the ick is not necessarily a response to incompatibility, but to the disillusionment felt once an imagined version of a person can no longer be maintained.
It might signal narcissistic traits or perfectionism
Collisson’s research found that perfectionism and narcissism strongly predict the likelihood (and, in the case of perfectionism, the frequency) of the ick. Perfectionism relates to people holding incredibly rigid standards for partners, so even slight deviations from an ideal behaviour or demeanour can spark strong negative reactions.
Similarly, narcissistic tendencies – which tend to encompass prioritising one’s own image and needs above all else – may increase a person’s sensitivity to less than ideal traits in others. This can be particularly heightened when someone feels that those traits challenge their self-image or social standing.
This aligns with existing theories that suggest people with rigid expectations about how a partner “should” behave are far more likely to reject potential mates over small quirks and minor faux pas.
It could be avoidant behaviour
Another interesting psychological lens through which we might understand the ick is that of attachment-avoidant behaviour. People with avoidant attachment styles experience discomfort when their romantic relationships begin to deepen, especially when closeness, dependency, or emotional vulnerability starts to feel a little bit too real.
From this perspective, the ick may function as a defensive strategy that allows avoidant people to detach themselves from the “threat” of intimacy, rather than a genuine assessment of the other person, or of compatibility. And because avoidant behaviour dictates that we also avoid examining our own weaknesses, the ick gives us a lovely, safe excuse for why we’re running a mile from this new, scary relationship. “I’m not afraid to be hurt, I just don’t like the way he ties his shoes!”
How to handle the ick
You might have started to realise that the ick is rarely about the other person at all, and is far more likely to be something in you that needs to be addressed, certainly before ending your budding new relationship. So until you’ve figured out what that something is, it’s definitely better to reflect before you react. Ask yourself a few questions…
Did you get the ick because of something that truly conflicts with your fundamental values, or was it something superficial? Is the trigger based on a behaviour that genuinely conflicts with your values or boundaries? If it’s something deeper than a surface-level behaviour, your ick might indeed reflect a meaningful compatibility issue.
Is it linked to your unrealistic standards or perfectionism? Be honest with yourself. If yes, try pausing to consider whether you’d like to be judged so harshly. You could be projecting an idealised template onto a real person that they will never be able to live up to (nor would you). Is that something you need to work on to ensure you don’t get in your own way when it comes to finding love? Have you displayed avoidant behaviour in the past, and is it possible that it’s at play again here?
Take some time to try to get to the bottom of how you’re feeling, and to make sure you’re not reacting rashly to a passing feeling that doesn’t reflect your true feelings towards the person. An unexamined ick is not just unfair to them, but also to yourself.
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Final thoughts…
You might ask yourself all of these questions and return to the same feeling: the ick that won’t go away. That’s absolutely fine, and it’s perfectly acceptable to trust your gut in these situations. Ultimately, how you feel about your partner and your attraction towards them is fundamental to the relationship working out. If it’s not there, it’s not there.
But if you find the ick is a repetitive pattern in your dating life, and you keep experiencing a few good dates before the ick ruins everything, it might be worth doing some introspection to make sure you’re not letting the ick interfere with your happiness.
For further reading, check out our articles: 12 subtle green flags to look out for when dating someone new and 5 ways to know if you should go on a second date.
What’s your experience of the ick? Have you felt it? Acted on it, or ignored it? Let us know in the comments below. We’d love to hear from you.
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