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Whether you’re 25 or 55, searching for a romantic partner who’s just right for you can feel like a mission. Getting out there, meeting people who are perfectly nice but not quite “the one”, and trying again takes effort and energy. So having supportive friends ready to hear about your dating woes and successes, and laugh with you about the disasters, can be an absolute tonic.
Yet what happens if friends aren’t so supportive? Or what if they’re at the other end of the spectrum, and a little too involved in your love life? It may be your obliviously, blissfully married friend who just doesn’t get what modern dating is like. Or perhaps that friend who’s been unlucky in love regards romance with jaded cynicism and is a little too protective of you, finding fault with anyone you show interest in.
For myriad reasons, friends can interfere with your dating life and could even be preventing you from finding love. Though the good news is that most of the time it’s completely unconscious or unintentional, which means it can be easily fixed or avoided.
Below, we’ve pulled together a few of the most common reasons that your friends might be obstacles in your path to finding love, and how you can handle things if they are.
Common reasons that friends can prevent you from finding love
They’re a little over-protective
You might be more likely to experience this if you’ve been unlucky in love, were treated poorly by an ex, went through a tough divorce, or even experienced the death of a partner or spouse.
Over-protective friends who see you putting yourself back out there and want to shield you from hurt are an absolute blessing in life, but there may be a point where their investment in your happiness and safety becomes a little too much.
It’s not a bad thing. In fact, it’s a sign that your friends truly care for you and want to protect your heart as you start putting yourself back out there again. Yet, if they’re being a little overbearing with it, getting a little too comfortable with unsolicited advice, or are a bit too wary and judgmental of new partners, it could be time to have a gentle word with them.
How to handle it…
Let them know that, while you appreciate their care and concern, you’ve got it. That might be all they need to hear to get them to back off a little and let you do your thing.
If they’re worried about you, reassure them that you’ll come to them the moment you need their trusted advice and opinions, but for now, you are happy to take the wheel and trust your own judgement.
There’s some bitterness
Bitterness can cause people to behave in passive-aggressive ways, without realising or intending to. What’s frustrating about bitterness is that it’s often quite justified, the reasonable result of being treated poorly or hurt badly.
While bitterness isn’t necessarily a character flaw or a bad thing, and people have a right to their feelings – the problem arises when it spills out of someone’s own life and into yours.
If your friends have been through rough relationship experiences or have been badly burned, they may be harbouring some bitterness that causes them to cast a negative light on anything to do with love and romance. For example…
“They all cheat”
“They just want to take advantage of your generosity”
“You can’t trust anyone”
“If there’s one thing divorce taught me, it’s that being single is better”
“You wouldn’t catch me getting into another relationship ever again”
It’s not about you at all, nor is it about who you’re dating, but rather about their own inability to separate their bad experiences from your hope for romance. This doesn’t mean that they’re actively trying to sabotage your happiness; often, the case is that they simply can’t move far enough past their own negativity and pain to be able to see – let alone support – your desire for romantic happiness.
There are friends who you might truly love and care for, and who truly love and care for you, but who are simply unable to engage with the idea of love and romance without injecting negativity into it.
How to handle it…
This behaviour doesn’t mean you need to cut them off, or remove them from your life – it’s often more than enough to simply recognise that they’re not the right people to talk to about your search for love.
Set some boundaries for yourself – when it comes to this friendship, you’ll keep the dating talk to a minimum. If they ask you about it, you’ll keep it superficial and let them know it’s not something you want to get into.
If their negativity has begun to grate on you a little, it may be helpful to also remember the following phrase: “Don’t take advice from anyone who doesn’t have what you want”.
You’re stuck in a (lovely) rut
Sometimes our friends can prevent us from finding love through no fault of their own – in fact, it’s because we love them so much!
Lifelong friends are a rare and wonderful gift, and our longest friendships are unquestionably one of the most enriching and beautiful parts of life. What can happen over the decades, however, is a sort of “settling in”. Traditions and habits form among friends, some of which may inadvertently be preventing you from meeting that special person.
Is your social circle small and tight-knit? Do you tend to stay in, visiting each other at home for movie nights, poker games, or dinner parties? There’s nothing wrong with any of this; it all sounds absolutely wonderful, actually!
But if you’re hoping to meet new people, it might be a little limiting – after all, how likely are you to meet the love of your life in your friend’s living room during a Bridget Jones marathon, or playing pool in your friend’s conservatory?
How to handle it…
The solution here isn’t to stop socialising with your friends, but rather to recognise when your group’s comfort zone – the real friendzone – might be holding you back.
Maybe you can extend your social circle to include friends who are also looking to meet someone and are willing to get out there and socialise. Joining clubs or classes can be a great way to do this, although you might have some friends in your circle who are in the same boat as you and just need a nudge to get out there.
The green-eyed monster comes into play
It can be quite a painful realisation to make, but sometimes, a “friend” can be actively jealous of you or, indeed, of your new partner, to the point of even attempting to sabotage your budding relationship and your happiness. This is, again, most often a subconscious thing. Most people don’t want to feel this way, have no malicious intent and truly aren’t trying to hurt you, but are unable to quell the feelings of envy and anger inside themselves.
It can be very triggering for an unhappy person to see their friend enter a new relationship. They can feel forgotten, left behind, threatened, possessive and jealous. There might be something you used to do together regularly that has slipped out of your schedule since someone new came on the scene, and they feel discarded. These are all normal and understandable things to feel – nobody wants to be left out – but it’s how a friend deals with these feelings that’s important.
If you feel like they’re making barbed comments about your partner, looking for “red flags” that you don’t exist, or belittling your new relationship or searching for a partner, it may be born of jealousy.
How to handle it…
First, be honest with yourself. If you have somewhat neglected a good friend when a new love interest appeared, it might be reasonable for them to feel hard done by, and this could manifest in what looks like jealousy or spite. If you were both single “together”, it may be even more hurtful.
However, it may also be something you can easily fix. Let them know you understand that you’ve not been the best friend you could have been, and make sure you continue to carve out time for them.
If you’ve been a good friend and believe that you’re dealing with someone who’s struggling to see you be happy, it’s okay to take a step away from the friendship and focus on your new romance without the negativity and stress. Your friends should always want the best for you, even if what you have is something they desperately want. If you don’t feel that support and love from them, and are even feeling the opposite, you have the right to protect your peace and take some space.
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Finding love – when to listen to your friends
Of course, not all negative feedback about a partner or your dating life comes from a negative place. Sometimes your friends aren’t being overprotective or jealous at all, but rather raising legitimate concerns about how or who you’re dating.
Maybe you’ve been on a string of disappointing dates and are feeling fatigued and jaded, but haven’t quite realised that you need a break. Maybe you’re dating someone who’s displayed a couple of red flags that your friends have noticed and are gently broaching with you.
You could be so invested in finding the right person that you aren’t really recognising the wrong ones. There are lots of reasons that your friends might have or raise some concerns with you, and genuinely have your best interests at heart.
How to handle it…
If your friends seem largely unsure of a new partner and can articulate their reasons well, or if more than one of them is concerned about you in some way, it might be a good idea to hear them out and consider whether they may be on to something.
At the end of the day, you know your own situation better than anyone, but it’s good to know your friends are looking out for you, too!
Final thoughts…
Looking for love can take time and effort, and as you put yourself out there, your friends most likely provide a friendly ear to listen to your dating stories, a shoulder to cry on if it’s needed, and a few laughs along the way.
However, it’s not always so simple, and from time to time, you may encounter reluctance to be supportive or even downright negative vibes. And while you can’t let the opinions of other people impact your dating journey, it can be difficult if your friends aren’t supportive.
We hope this article has helped identify some of the reasons your friends might be preventing you from finding love, and how to deal with them. But most of all, we hope it’s helped you realise that those reasons are rarely about you, and usually due to what’s going on in your friends’ lives.
With the right approach, you can continue happily pursuing romance without letting external forces put you off, hold you back, or lose good friendships.
Have you ever felt like your friends were harming your love life – whether they intended to or not? We’d be interested to hear from you in the comments below.
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