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Dating today isn’t like it used to be. Smartphones, dating apps, social media, and a faster, more demanding pace of life can quickly get tiring.
That’s not to say that people didn’t get dating burnout in previous decades. The woes and pitfalls of trying to find love have always been there. We’ve lamented them, laughed at them, cried over them and immortalised them in films, from Breakfast at Tiffany’s and When Harry Met Sally to High Fidelity.
But today, dating burnout has taken on a new shape and is informed and exacerbated by new technologies. From the paradox of choice to the addictive properties of ‘gamified’ dating apps, we have so much more to contend with today than the already considerable task of finding the right person. So if you’ve been putting yourself out there, trying to find someone, and perhaps feeling a bit hopeless and burnt out – please know that you’re not alone.
We’ve put together a list of some of the best ways to recover from feelings of burnout and disillusionment, shake it off, and maybe get back out there to enjoy dating more healthily and sustainably.
1. Get off the apps
Not forever, just for now. One of the driving causes of dating burnout today seems to be dating apps. An endless stream of new faces, bios, and potential partners might initially seem wonderful and advantageous. But the bombardment can quickly cause fatigue and feel like searching for a needle in a haystack.
If dating apps get too much, take some time away. You don’t have to delete your profile entirely, but you’ll usually have the option to deactivate and take a break from swiping. As with any app you spend a lot of time on, it can become draining, distracting, and a time-thief – because that’s exactly how they’re designed.
A break, whether for a week, a month, or longer, will give you some extra space and time to dial back into the world around you: the hobbies, people, and activities you love…
2. Dial back in
Whether you take a total break from the apps or want to keep them but pay a little less attention, dialling back into life is one of the best ways to recover from dating burnout.
Trying to find love can sometimes become all-consuming. It takes time and attention to date, and that time and attention may leave less time to do other things you love and enjoy. And if there’s one thing that often accompanies burnout, it’s a loss of connection to yourself.
Reconnecting with yourself – your passions, pursuits and the people you love – is a proven way to reduce stress and promote personal development and wellbeing. And while hobbies do foster social interactions and are often touted as a great way to meet someone, that isn’t the point, not this time.
The point is for you to recover and feel rested, fulfilled and mentally well. And yes, eventually, maybe ready to look for love again from a healthier place.
3. Set boundaries (and stick to them)
Dating can drain you fast. If you’re feeling exhausted by swipes, matches, chats, and dates, it may be time to introduce some boundaries. Try to identify the aspects of dating that you find particularly tiring and mitigate them with healthy boundaries.
If you feel like you’re spending too much time swiping, allow yourself short daily windows of time to open the apps, swipe, and respond to messages. If you’re overwhelmed with different chats, stick to one or two at a time, and avoid swiping and matching in between. If you need to reclaim your evenings, have a “no texting after 9 pm” rule, and stick to it.
Clear boundaries will help you protect your energy, recover from dating fatigue, and make dating feel less overwhelming.
4. Reassess your approach
If you’re feeling disillusioned and burnt out, you might be approaching dating in a way that isn’t truly serving you and your needs. It might be a good idea to take a step back and think more deeply about what you truly want, and whether your dating process thus far has reflected that.
For example, you might find that you’ve been dating partners that you knew, deep down, weren’t right for you, simply because you wanted so badly to find someone. Or maybe you’re on the other end of the spectrum, rejecting those who don’t tick every box on an impossible checklist, and missing out on potential partners in the process.
Take an honest look at your approach to dating and consider whether it’s getting you what you want, or whether some tweaks would make things a little easier on you.
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5. Prioritise platonic love
The truth is, it can be difficult to be single when you don’t want to be. Looking for a love that seems to elude you isn’t easy. You might feel lonely at times, which can be draining. To help manage those feelings and recover from the burnout they cause, it’s always a good idea to pour yourself into the platonic loves of your life.
Society often places great importance on romantic love, relegating platonic relationships to a “lesser” kind of love. But good friendships are one of the most affirming, important, and enhancing things we will ever nurture in our lives. Letting the love of your friendships nourish and recharge you is a wonderful antidote to the feeling of burnout in dating, and to the idea that you’re lacking something without a romantic partner.
You might find it replenishing and restorative to take some of the energy you use to look for a partner and channel it into building deeper and stronger friendships. Fostering the love that’s already in your life will help you feel fulfilled and loved back, while serving as a constant reminder of the kind of healthy love you deserve.
6. Take yourself out
You don’t need to be in a relationship to enjoy great restaurants, cinema nights, walks on the beach, or even holidays. If finding someone to share all the good stuff with has become exhausting, remind yourself that you’re perfectly free to enjoy it by yourself.
This is your life, and while it’s perfectly natural to want to share it with someone, that doesn’t mean you can’t or shouldn’t enjoy it on your own in the meantime. Of course, you can enjoy all of these things with friends, too, but being able to go out to eat alone or travel somewhere new by yourself can help you avoid getting too bored or lonely.
Take yourself on regular dates and show yourself a good time. You could even buy yourself flowers while you’re at it.
7. Try not to compare
Seeing other people have what you want isn’t always easy. Social media can ignite and exacerbate feelings of envy and negative self-comparison.
Scrolling a constant stream of highly curated representations of the perfect car, body, or indeed the perfect couple can easily trigger those toxic thoughts – Why can’t I have that? When will it be my turn? It’s a type of stress that can contribute to or worsen feelings of dating burnout, but thankfully, it’s also one that’s easy to avoid.
Limiting your exposure to content that might cause you to compare yourself negatively or feel stressed or unhappy is a great way to recover from dating burnout. Avoid feeds of unrealistic perfection. Instead, curate your own online experience so that you engage with content that makes you feel interested and joyful, instead of envious or lacking.
8. Create a self-care ritual
Burnout of any kind can be a sign that we may have lapsed in caring for ourselves. It’s common enough and easily done – most of us need to actively remind ourselves at times to stop, breathe, relax, and truly take care of our wellbeing.
If the dating scene is getting on top of you or causing you to feel unduly tired, it might be time to create a self-care ritual. Whether that’s journaling, meditation, yoga, deep breathing exercises, walking outside in nature, or any other fulfilling and mindful activity is entirely up to you. The point is to carve out some “you” time to slow down, calm down, and check in with yourself.
One way to help uplift and reset a jaded mindset that can accompany dating burnout is to try a gratitude journal, which has been found to strengthen neural pathways, helping you default to a more positive outlook.
All you have to do is write down three things in your life that you’re grateful for every day. They can be as small as the perfectly boiled egg you had for breakfast – the idea is simply to be intentional about looking at the good things in your day and life.
9. Speak to a professional
If you feel like your burnout has gone beyond the stage you can manage yourself, and you’re struggling to a degree that’s causing you distress, it might help to speak to someone who can help you navigate the feelings you’re having.
Perhaps you find yourself repeating patterns in dating that you realise aren’t helpful or healthy, or you’ve had several negative dating experiences that you think might have impacted how you now approach dates, or even how you feel about yourself. Whatever the issue, a qualified mental health professional might be able to help you identify areas where you can make a change and improve your wellbeing, and even your approach to dating.
Uncovering toxic patterns or reframing negative events with cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) or other talk therapies can help you lay the groundwork for a healthier dating life with less stress and therefore less burnout.
Final thoughts
Dating burnout doesn’t mean you’re failing; it means you’re trying. Burnout can happen with anything we throw ourselves into, whether in our professional or personal lives. It doesn’t mean you need to stop looking or give up, but rather that you might wish to step back and reassess.
Rest when we need to, step away from what isn’t working, and remain radically compassionate to ourselves, even in the face of disappointment or upset. No matter how much we want to find somebody to love and care for, it’s important to remember, above all, to love and care for ourselves.
Have you experienced dating burnout? Do you have any additional recovery tips to share? We’d be interested to hear from you in the comments below.
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