Our 50s and beyond can be a time of real transition and change. These changes might feel overwhelming, but can also be exciting and lead to new opportunities.
Important life transitions may include a career change, retirement, or becoming a grandparent. We may also have to come to terms with children leaving home or relationships ending. Sometimes, a cumulation of a few things changing at once can mean that we ‘lose our mojo’ for a while, and may not understand why.
Below, we’ll explore how preconceived ideas of what our 50s and 60s ‘should’ look like can affect our present reality, and how we can challenge our inner critic to thrive through change.
Sarah Flynn is a Psychologist, ICF accredited coach (PCC), and trained Organisation, Relationship,and Systems coach (CRR Global). She specialises in supporting people to thrive through times of transition and change.
The importance of breaking stereotypes around what our 50s and 60s ‘should’ look like
Without realising it, many of us may have an idea about what our 50s ‘should’ look like, how we ‘should’ behave, or what we ‘should’ have achieved by this stage in life. These ideas can affect our sense of what’s possible now, and limit us.
These days, 50 is relatively young in terms of our overall lifespan, but if we hold onto the model of a typical 50-something formed by previous generations, our heads may tell us otherwise. This model is almost like a worldview or belief system that we butt up against when reach a certain point in life, causing us to worry that we’re ‘too old’ to do different things.
There are two parts involved in unravelling this thought. Firstly, ask yourself: ‘Is it possible?’ And secondly: ‘Can I do it?’ This second question is much more personal and relates to the self-limiting beliefs you may hold about yourself more generally in life.
Coming up against your ‘inner critic’ and stepping outside of your comfort zone can be scary and you may worry that you aren’t capable of dealing with this change. If this sounds familiar, you might find it helpful to read some real life stories from Rest Less members who’ve embraced change after 50.
How do our inner critics hold us back, and how can we challenge them?
Everyone has an inner critic which can be triggered by most new things; from learning a new skill to getting a new job. Reaching a significant birthday can also bring us up against a self-limiting belief system and get in the way of us adapting, changing, and doing what we’d really like to do – especially if we don’t recognise and challenge it.
But, the good news is that our inner critic can actually help us discover what’s most important to us, so that we can find a positive and constructive way to navigate through change.
For example, saying to myself ‘I can’t do that because I’m not clever enough. I’m worried people will realise I’m stupid if I try and fail’, suggests that it’s important for me to feel capable and be respected – and also, that my relationships with other people matter to me. This gives me an insight into my values, priorities, and needs.
Knowing that we care about doing a good job is much more constructive than telling ourselves we aren’t clever enough to do something. It can also be helpful to replace the critical voice with a growth mindset when facing a challenge. For example, instead of ‘I can’t do that’, you could say, ‘I can’t do that yet, but I’m learning.’
Our article, The importance of resilience and the ability to adapt, offers more tips on how to overcome your inner critic.
What if we don’t think of ourselves as resilient?
Sometimes we talk about resilience as a fixed thing that we either have or don’t have. But, from researching resilience and how we can thrive during change, I realised that sustainable resilience comes when we’re able to acknowledge our feelings and trust our needs, rather than ‘pushing through’, or expecting ourselves to respond the way we or other people think we should.
Sometimes something that wouldn’t upset one person can have a significant impact upon another, and vice versa. It isn’t that one of them is resilient and the other isn’t, but that the thing in question holds particular meaning and significance for that person. Similarly, something that wouldn’t affect us at one point in our lives can have a big impact at another time because the meaning has changed for us, it coincides with other events, or there’s been a cumulative effect.
However, comparing ourselves to others (or even ourselves when we were younger) – something that’s natural to do – actually undermines our resilience and reduces our energy levels. Listening and being kind to ourselves (which we’re often good at doing for other people, but not for ourselves), can increase our resilience, rather than deplete it.
Our emotions, needs, and energy levels can sometimes feel like they get in the way of us being resilient, but, when we learn to work with them and trust them, they usually hold the key to us thriving through change.
Often, we think of resilience as ‘performance’ or doing at all costs, and treat our wellbeing and emotional health as separate. However, real resilience is when our wellbeing underpins our performance, and really listening to ourselves can help us move through change well.
I think this quote sums it up…
“Resilience is our ability to meet with difficult feelings and setbacks, and not only trust in our capacity to adapt and recover from them, but to find something redemptive hidden within adversity. It takes a lot of energy to distance ourselves from pain; not only do we become more vital by entering into a relationship with our feelings, but that resilience grows into a place of refuge for others.”
When change is particularly upsetting or frightening, how can we see beyond the current ‘black hole’?
Our emotions are signals about what matters to us. If they feel overwhelming, it means that whatever has happened is really important to us, and it’s key to acknowledge this with compassion. We may need support, and often, we’ll need time.
The trouble is, if something very difficult has happened, listening to ourselves can be challenging, because we may not want to feel our emotions. So, it’s important to take it slowly and find the right support.
Pushing away difficult feelings can also drain our energy, as we often can’t push them away selectively. So if we don’t allow ourselves to feel our ‘difficult’ emotions, we usually aren’t able to fully feel the ones we tend to think of as positive either.
If you’ve recently lost your job, how do you stop this from destroying your confidence?
Losing your job can often feel like the end of the world. You may feel ashamed, embarrassed, and worried about the future. However, I’d encourage people to really tap into who they are and what they stand for in these moments.
There’s a Japanese concept called ‘ikigai’ which, loosely translated, means ‘living a fulfilling, purposeful life’. Ikigai may help you work out what comes next after a big change – like losing your job – based on your talents, passions, motivations, and values. It encourages you to consider four main areas…
What you love to do
What are the things you used to do as a child? What are the things you’re passionate about? This is a really good way of understanding what we find intrinsically motivating. Often, these are the things we’re good at too.
What you’re good at
What are the things that you’re naturally good at? What do you find easy that others may struggle with? This can be quite difficult to see for ourselves because we often notice what we can’t do. It can be helpful to ask friends, family, and colleagues what they value in us and what they turn to us for, even though it can feel uncomfortable to do.
The need in the world that you are drawn to meet
What were you doing in the past when you impacted someone’s life? What do you care about? What’s the legacy you’d like to leave in the world? Again, this gives us insight into what we care about, what’s intrinsically motivating for us, and what we have energy for.
What you can be paid for
This is often the main one we focus on, and our inner critics can tell us we don’t bring anything of much value. One of the things I love about my job is working with someone in the first three areas and seeing how as they begin to see the value of what they bring to the world, they gain confidence.
I’ve worked with people who’ve lost their confidence in a new role and are trying to work in the way that younger people in their team do. They’re only seeing what they don’t do and are effectively hiding their unique experiences and perspectives so that they can match the rest of the team.
Yet, in nature, a diverse group or system is a healthy one, and it’s the same with people. We need those diverse ways of thinking about things to thrive as a team. It isn’t that one perspective is right and another is wrong, but that the variety of all of the perspectives raises the overall IQ of a group.
It’s so wonderful seeing people’s confidence increase as they begin to recognise and value what they bring to the table. What might’ve been a difficult transition becomes a beautiful new period in a person’s life. To misquote wildly, “if we aim to be someone we’re not, we will always fail”.
Interested in finding a coach to help you?
If you’re interested in finding a coach like Sarah to help you thrive through change, why not take a look at our article; 7 ways that coaching could help you get more from life?
How do you cope with change? Have you learnt how to challenge your inner critic? Or is this something that you’re still learning how to do? We’d be interested to hear from you in the comments below.
