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It’s estimated that one in four women and one in six men will experience domestic violence in their lifetime. And, tragically, on average, two women are murdered each week and 30 men per year as a result of domestic violence. Fleeing domestic abuse is also one of the most common reasons for homelessness.
Though these figures are bleak, domestic abuse statistics only offer a snapshot of the number of people affected; researchers believe that less than 24% of domestic abuse crimes are reported to police. Plus, until recently, over 75s weren’t included in domestic abuse data.
If you are or have been a victim of domestic abuse, it’s important to remember that you’re not alone and it’s not your fault. There’s help and support available – and you don’t need to wait until you’re in an emergency situation to reach out.
Acknowledging that you’re a victim of abuse is often an important first step in seeking help and breaking free. Being abused can leave you feeling frightened, confused, and isolated. You may find it difficult to see your abuser’s actions for what they are or to explain to someone else what you’re going through.
In some relationships, abusive behaviour doesn’t surface for many months or years, which can make it common to make excuses for your abuser (such as having a bad day at work) or to blame yourself. But, it’s important to remember that domestic abuse is a crime and that there’s always a way out – even if you currently feel trapped.
Below, we’ll take a closer look at the different types of domestic abuse and where you can turn for support.
What is domestic abuse?
According to Women’s Aid, domestic abuse is: “An incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, coercive, threatening, degrading, and violent behaviour, including sexual violence, in the majority of cases by a partner or ex-partner, but also by a family member or carer.”
This can include, but isn’t limited to, the following types of abuse…
Physical violence
Physical abuse may include behaviours such as slapping, punching, grabbing, kicking, pushing, choking, burning, hair pulling, spitting, punching walls, controlling medication, using weapons, and/or coercing the victim into substance abuse.
Emotional abuse
Emotional abuse can happen in isolation or alongside other forms of abuse. It can be more difficult to recognise emotional abuse because it’s often subtler and doesn’t leave marks in the same way that physical violence can.
Emotional abuse may include name-calling, threats, constant criticism, gaslighting, shaming/humiliating, extreme jealousy, repeated blaming, and/or being isolated from others.
Victims of emotional abuse are often left feeling low, intimidated, controlled, and/or scared.
For more information, you might find it helpful to read Verywell Mind’s article: How to identify and cope with emotional abuse. Or, for a personal account of one of our brave members’ experience of emotional abuse, you can read her story here.
Stalking
Stalking is a form of extreme emotional and psychological abuse. Women’s Aid defines it as “a pattern of persistent and unwanted attention that makes you feel pestered, scared, anxious, or harassed.”
This could include unwanted phone calls, gifts, visits to your home, property damage, threats, online spamming, and/or being persistently followed or spied on.
Stalking can happen during a relationship, for example, if your partner is intensely jealous and wants to keep tabs on you. But it can also happen when a relationship ends – usually when an ex-partner can’t accept that the relationship is over.
Stalking is a criminal offence, so if you fear for your safety, it’s important to contact the police.
Sexual abuse
Sexual abuse is when you’re forced into a sexual act with someone without your consent (rape/sexual assault). It’s important to note that if you’re intoxicated or have been pressured into agreeing, it’s not consent. Sexual abuse is also when you’re forced into watching pornography, hurt or humiliated during sex, coerced into having unprotected sex, or forced to have sex with others.
Other kinds of sexual abuse can include forced marriage, female genital mutilation (FGM), and trafficking.
On their website, Rape Crisis reminds us that just because you don’t scream, shout, or run away during sexual abuse, it doesn’t mean that you didn’t experience sexual violence. It’s common for people to feel so shocked or scared during an assault that they’re unable to speak or move.
Financial abuse
Financial abuse is a form of coercive control that refers to someone preventing you from having, earning, or accessing your money. They may steal or restrict money, prevent you from working, damage your credit score, and/or coerce you into debt.
A financial abuser may also restrict or limit access to other resources such as transportation, food, clothing, and a place to live so that you become dependent on them for your basic needs. If you’re separated from your abuser, they may also withhold child maintenance payments.
For more information on financial abuse, your rights, and where to turn for support, have a read of our articles: Are you a victim of financial abuse? and Six charities that help women in need.
Online abuse
Online abuse involves the abuser using technology to stalk, monitor, harass, or blackmail you.
This may include hacking into your online accounts (such as your email or Facebook); monitoring your text messages, calls, and social media interactions; using GPS to track your location; demanding to know your passwords; and/or posting private information about you online (such as nude photos).
Women’s Aid has information about how you can protect yourself from online and digital abuse.
Leaving an abusive relationship
Women’s Aid says that they’re often asked why someone doesn’t just leave an abusive relationship. In response, they emphasise that we need to stop blaming victims for not leaving a perpetrator. Instead, we should aim to better understand the hurdles that many victims face when considering leaving an abusive relationship.
Some of the most common reasons that people stay in an abusive relationship include…
Danger and fear
For some people, leaving an abusive relationship can be dangerous. Research from 2018 shows that 41% of women killed by a male partner in England, Wales, and Northern Ireland had left or taken steps to leave them.
Wanting to help their partner
Some people believe their partner is abusive because they’re going through a tough time, so they may want to help them overcome these issues. They may believe that if they stay with their partner and stick it out, things will change.
Children
Some victims may stay because they’re worried about any legal problems that could arise with taking the children. Alternatively, they may not have the support to afford to leave with their children, and not want to leave without them.
People may also believe that if their partner isn’t abusive towards their children, they’re better off staying within the family unit.
Financial constraints
If a person is financially dependent on their abuser, leaving can be difficult, as they may worry about how they’ll support themselves and/or their children.
Isolation
People in abusive relationships can often become isolated from friends and family and have no one they can rely on to support them.
Trauma and low confidence
Being beaten, controlled, and/or told you’re worthless can damage self-esteem. Victims of domestic abuse are often so traumatised that they may feel stuck – they’re terrified to stay but they’re also terrified to leave.
Trauma bonding can also make victims feel confused or overwhelmed when they think about leaving as they’re trapped in a cycle of abuse and positive reinforcement.
Shame or denial
Abusers are often completely different people outside of the home. They can be popular and well-respected members of their communities. This makes it harder for victims to speak out about what’s happening, as they may worry they won’t be believed.
Plus, abusers may try to convince victims that the abuse is their fault or that it’s in their head (gaslighting). Victims may feel ashamed and try to cover up, deny, or make excuses for the abuse.
Where to find help and support if you, or someone you know, is in an abusive relationship
If you’re a victim of domestic abuse, or know someone who is, it’s important to remember that you’re not alone and help is available.
You might like to start by speaking to a trusted friend or family member. You can also reach out to the following help services…
England
Refuge runs a free, 24/7 National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247. Or join a live chat online (available Monday to Friday, 10am to 10pm).
Northern Ireland
You can call the Domestic and Sexual Abuse Helpline on 0808 802 1414 or join a live chat online 24/7. You can also email help@dsahelpline.org.
Scotland
Domestic Abuse and Forced Marriage Helpline has a 24/7 helpline on 0800 027 1234 or join a live chat online. You can also email helpline@sdafmh.org.uk or text/WhatsApp 07401288595.
Wales
You can call Live Fear Free’s helpline on 0808 8010 800 or join a live chat online. You can also email info@livefearfreehelpline.wales or text 07860077333.
Other sources of support include…
Your GP
Your GP can help steer you in the direction of support.
Safe Spaces
The Safe Spaces scheme means that you can go into participating pharmacies and businesses (including Boots, Morrisons, Superdrug, and Nationwide) and ask to use their safe space. Here, you can use the space to do whatever you need to – whether that’s reaching out to friends and family or contacting support services.
You can find Safe Spaces local to you here.
Bright Sky app
This is an easy-to-use app that provides practical information and support about how to respond to domestic abuse – as well as how to spot the signs. The app can be used by people experiencing domestic abuse or those who are worried about someone else.
Women’s Aid local support services directory
Whether you’re looking for refuge, peer support, information about domestic abuse, or to talk to a professional support worker, you’ll be able to find local services here.
You can also use the Women’s Aid live chat service Monday to Friday, 10am to 4pm to get advice and support.
Specialised domestic abuse support services
For example, those for black, Asian, and ethnic minority people, forced marriage and honour-based violence, LGBTQIA+ people, men, and women.
Emergency services
Call 999 if you’re in danger. Or, if you’re unable to speak, dial 999 followed by 55 on a mobile to silently transfer your call to the police.
If it’s not an emergency but you’d like support or advice from the police, you can call 101.
Getting a court order
Another thing you can do to protect yourself and your child(ren) from an abusive partner (or former partner) is to apply for a court order. This is known as a non-molestation or occupation order and is a kind of injunction that can protect you from violence and harassment.
To find out more about how injunctions work, read this guide from Women’s Aid. Or, to apply, visit the government website.
Where to find help and support if you’re a survivor of domestic abuse
The effects of domestic abuse can last long after it’s ended. Just as there’s support out there for people experiencing abuse, there are services available to help survivors heal.
These include…
- My Support Space (provided by Victim Support) offers free tools to help you cope and move forward after being the victim of a crime.
- The Survivor’s Handbook is a guide from Women’s Aid with practical support and information about how to deal with the emotions you might feel after escaping an abuser.
- Ginny NiCarthy’s domestic abuse handbook, Getting Free: You Can End Abuse and Take Back Your Life*, has advice on how to rebuild your life after abuse, including how to meet new people and reactivate your dreams.
- Accounts from domestic abuse survivors may help you feel less alone. You can find several of these on the Living Without Abuse website. We also have two written accounts from one of our brave members on our website. These are The anatomy of an emotionally abusive relationship and Behind the mask: a world of isolation and loneliness.
- You can also find general mental health information and support on the healthy mind section of our website.
Final thoughts…
Whether you’re currently a victim of domestic abuse or have been in an abusive relationship in the past, it’s important to believe that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel – even if you can’t see it right now.
Remember, domestic abuse is wrong, is never your fault, and you’re never alone. By reaching out for help and allowing yourself time to heal, it’s possible to feel safe, secure, and live life on your terms.
For further information about getting help for domestic abuse, head over to the NHS website. Or, have a read of our article: Asking for help – why it can be difficult, what the benefits are, and how we can help others.
Do you have any advice for survivors of domestic abuse? Or are there any other useful support services for those facing domestic abuse? We’d be interested to hear from you in the comments below.
