Listening is one of the most important foundations of society. It has a huge impact on our personal and professional lives, enables us to form meaningful relationships, and helps build trust and empathy. Yet many of us have never really thought about the way we listen to others.
Being an active listener involves more than just hearing the words people are saying. It’s about being mindful, focused, and seeking to understand the meaning and intent behind the words. And the good news is that active listening is a skill we can all develop.
Like any other communication skill, improvement requires practice. But once you’ve mastered active listening, you may find that it improves your personal relationships, strengthens new social connections, and makes you more effective at work.
Here’s everything you need to know about active listening.
What is active listening?
Active listening is the practice of listening to understand the meaning and intent of what someone is saying. You’re not only hearing the words, but you’re also deciphering the thoughts and feelings behind them. It’s different from other forms of listening because you’re 100% focused on what the other person is saying.
Often, in normal conversations, we don’t listen fully to what the other person is saying because we’re too busy thinking about what we want to say next. This means the importance of truly understanding someone else’s perspective takes a backseat to getting our own thoughts and opinions across. With active listening, on the other hand, conversations become active, two-way interactions, free from ego or competition.
If you’ve ever been to therapy and had a good therapist, you’ve probably encountered active listening; therapists are trained to listen with intent, ask open-ended questions, notice non-verbal cues, and maintain good eye contact. While therapists usually train for years to master active listening, you don’t need any formal qualifications to develop these important skills.
7 active listening techniques to try
So what are the most important active listening techniques to consider?
1. Be present and attentive
The first step towards mastering active listening is being completely present in the conversation. In a world full of distractions, giving someone your full attention and, therefore, your focused time and energy, is a special gift.
Try to make it clear that you’re giving your full attention to the speaker. Rather than just silencing your phone, put it out of sight. It can also help to minimise other distractions as best you can, try to quiet your own internal monologue, and tune into the other person’s inner world. Maintaining eye contact is a good way to show someone that they have your undivided attention.
2. Pay attention to body language and nonverbal cues
As much as 65% of human communication is nonverbal, so paying attention to your body language and facial expressions is important when practising active listening. To show the person you’re listening, try leaning in slightly, keeping your arms unfolded, nodding at key moments, and smiling (when appropriate!).
Paying attention to your facial expressions is important to avoid inadvertently conveying any negative emotions. Frowning or wrinkling your nose may be unintentional, but can quickly suggest to the speaker that you’re unimpressed and cause them to stop talking.
Focusing on the other person’s nonverbal cues can also tell you lots about what they’re trying to say. Someone who’s talking fast and stumbling over their words, for example, might be nervous or anxious – and you may be able to put them at ease by adapting your own body language.
3. Ask open-ended questions
Asking questions that can be answered with “yes” or “no” doesn’t keep the conversation flowing. There also isn’t much information you can glean from these types of closed answers. Instead, try to ask open-ended questions. These encourage longer, more thoughtful responses, which is why they’re used by mental health therapists.
Examples of open-ended questions include…
- Can you tell me more about that?
- How did you feel about that situation?
- What made you pursue that option?
- How can I help support you?
4. Paraphrase and reflect what you’ve heard
A good way to show the other person you’ve heard them – and make sure you’ve understood – is to reflect what they’ve said back to them.
The easiest way to reflect what you’ve heard is to paraphrase or, in other words, summarising what you think you’ve heard – for example, “So, what you’re saying is that you’re feeling anxious about this situation” or “I’m getting the sense that you’re anxious about this”. This gives the other person the chance to clarify whether you’ve understood their meaning or intent.
5. Be patient and avoid interrupting
Patience is a hugely important listening skill, so do your best to avoid interrupting the person speaking, or interjecting with your own opinions. Allowing people to express their feelings without feeling rushed can help them be honest about what they’re thinking. By not finishing other people’s sentences for them, you’ll also avoid projecting your own biases and influencing their answers.
It’s also a good idea to avoid filling silences with your own comments or stories. Active listening is about listening to understand, not listening to respond. Silences may feel uncomfortable, but they might be just what the other person needs to gather their thoughts. Changing the subject abruptly should also be avoided, if possible, as this suggests boredom, as well as impatience.
6. Withhold judgement (and advice)
Mastering active listening means being able to remain neutral in your responses. Once a person knows they won’t be judged, they’ll likely feel more comfortable sharing how they truly feel. The conversation can then become a safe space where the person knows they won’t be shamed, blamed, or criticised.
Good ways to withhold judgement when listening include practising acceptance of others, learning more about people who are different to you, and expressing empathy for the other person. Try to learn to recognise when judgement starts creeping into your thoughts, then push those thoughts away.
It’s also an idea to withhold advice unless you’re specifically asked for it. The role of an active listener is to listen, understand, and support, rather than advise.
7. Summarise key points
If you’re having a work-related conversation, it’s helpful to summarise the main themes and ideas discussed before finishing your chat. Professional conversations differ from personal ones, and often involve discussing ‘next steps’ or agendas.
So, when your conversation is coming to an end, it can be a good idea to go over the key points as well as any actions that need to be taken. This gives the speaker a chance to clarify anything, or add any final points. It also makes sure that both parties have an accurate understanding of what’s been said.
The benefits of mastering active listening
Mastering active listening takes time and practice, but it’s worth the effort. To understand just how valuable this skill is, think about times when you’ve had conversations with others, yet wondered if they were listening. This might have been because they were obviously distracted, continually interrupting, or twisting what you were saying. And few things are as frustrating as not feeling heard.
Active listening is a powerful way to improve your personal and professional relationships and your social interactions.
Personal relationships
Active listening can help you better understand different perspectives and respond with empathy – something that’s crucial when the other person is upset. Whether it’s your spouse, other family member, or friend, being able to listen to a loved one who just wants to be heard while resisting the temptation to advise is important. Over time, this builds trust, strengthening your relationships with the people closest to you.
Professional relationships
Active listening is a key part of conflict resolution, problem-solving, and constructive criticism, so mastering it can have a huge impact at work. It’s particularly beneficial if you’re in a senior position or regularly interact with colleagues, as it improves collaboration, establishes rapport, builds trust, and demonstrates your patience.
Social situations
If you find meeting new people challenging, active listening is one of the most beneficial communication skills you can learn. Active listeners are good at initiating and maintaining conversations because they tend to ask open-ended questions, pick up on body language cues, and seek clarification if they’re not sure about something. Plus, it helps anxious people feel more emotionally supported.
Final thoughts…
In today’s noisy, fast-paced world, we’re so used to being bombarded by information that our attention spans have shortened. Conversations can become a competition to be heard, yet, as humans, we seek understanding and crave connection.
Whether you want to strengthen your personal relationships, improve your professional interactions, or build new friendships, active listening is key.
The best way to master active listening is to practice the different techniques. Like any other skill, being good takes effort but, with time, things like asking open-ended questions and maintaining eye contact can become second nature. And, who knows, the person you’re talking with may be inspired by your skills, and take steps to become a better listener, too.
After all, it’s only when we practice active listening that we can truly hear what others are saying, and embrace the beauty of human connection.
Do you think you’re a good listener? Has this article inspired you to work on your active listening skills? We’d love to hear from you in the comments below.