This article was written for Annabel & Grace, which is now part of Rest Less.
This story was written by a friend who would like to remain anonymous. However it is a positive story for anyone who is having trouble with their marital sex life. It was written nearly 7 years ago so when asking if we could re-publish I asked if things were still going well in the bedroom area and she was ecstatic. Her words were, “I think having the blip all those years ago got us talking about it rather than pretending all was ok. So if now we go for a period of no sex one of us points it out and we arrange a date night. It’s not all about sex – romance is not dead either which is so lovely.”
My husband and I, after 18 years, discovered we had a problem in our marriage and our sex life. Very quickly everything that we took for granted began to spiral out of control…
If you are of a nervous disposition i.e. worried about your marriage, you may not want to read on, as you might not want me to put into words those concerns that you have been ignoring because you have been so busy with ‘Life’!
Anyway I shall tell you my story and I hope it helps someone….
Husband and I have been married for over 18 years and have three children. We, seemingly, have a good marriage as we rarely row, enjoy being together and laughing at the same things etc. However one day, I cannot remember exactly when, sex stopped. I have no idea why – it may be that we were just exhausted, maybe my husband was very pre-occupied with work but, however innocuous the reason, we did just stop. I had gone through menopause and so my libido had substantially reduced (read – I was quite happy not having sex). It was never a big deal as we were still tactile with each other but once we climbed into bed we read or chatted and then went to sleep. Often we went to bed at different times due to tiredness. So, all in all, many reasons contributed to the lack of sex life.
Then one day, a well-meaning friend (not sure that she really was!!) said she had noticed that my husband had lost a lot of weight, was getting fit and was generally taking a lot more care of himself – so she asked if he was going away a lot. I agreed with all of the above and also said that he had been travelling for work to the Middle East and Europe. She then rang the death-knoll and pronounced (half-jokingly) that he was probably having an affair! I thought nothing of it, as I was quite sure he wasn’t, as we loved each other so much. I was convinced – or maybe I had convinced myself – because it is what I wanted to believe, that my husband was equally happy with how things were, and success at work and the love of his family were all that he needed.
However a few weeks later I got thinking (read suspicious) and decided to have a chat with a very good male, medical friend who, when I told him that my husband and I did not have a sex life, said “Well then he is more than likely getting it elsewhere.” “But he loves me,” I protested, and my friend said, “Yes he probably does but he still has needs. Sex is more mechanical for men, they don’t have to be in love but they do adore the act of sex and that does not stop with age! So if he isn’t having an affair now he will be soon.”
Wow that was a big eye-opener and with my jaw on the floor I got to realising that quite frankly he could so easily be having an affair. Rather than dwell on this upsetting train of thought I must instead solve the problem. But my body seemed to have shut down and so what was I going to do? There was no way I was off to the family doctor to ask for some stimulant ie Viagra for women if there was such a pill, so Google had to be my guru.
I discovered on a women’s website that there was indeed a homeopathic pill that needed to be taken half an hour before the ‘action’ began! Actually there was a whole section on libido (or lack of) and so I adopted the attitude ‘in for a penny, in for a pound’ and bought some suppositories for vaginal dryness (so happy that this is an anonymous post as I am starting to blush!!) together with some gel to use on husband’s penis to make for smooth entry (full blush now).
I awaited the postman every day, as I was worried that this parcel of goodies would be received by my husband or worse, the children or even worse the neighbour, though I am not sure what I was thinking as they would hardly come in transparent packaging or have stickers on the outside announcing ‘Sexual Aids’. Actually I think that the postman, whom I have known for some time, was quite perturbed that I leapt out every time I heard his van on the gravel and grabbed the post as if I was expecting a winning cheque from the Lottery.
Eventually the parcel arrived and I looked at the seemingly innocuous contents which were to me, more important than The Holy Grail’, if they worked!
Next step was to broach the subject with my husband. If I leapt on him suddenly he might have a heart attack. I was so scared that I would be opening a can of worms. If he had found some gorgeous woman, 20 years younger than me, who was satisfying all his needs, perhaps a sexually demanding wife was the last thing he wanted right now.
The conversation was awkward I will not deny, and even now I am not convinced that there had not been a dalliance or two on his part. But what I do know is that if there had been an affair it was, as my male friend had explained, an act to satisfy a need rather than a life changing event indicating that my husband wanted to run away with some floozy! I didn’t delve, as I did not want to find out too much because I did not want to go beyond a point of any return – “what the head doesn’t know the heart cannot grieve about”.
Well ladies I won’t go into too much more detail other than to say we are back on track and having an amazing time in the bedroom (and elsewhere)! Husband has a spring in his step and if there was a floozy I have kicked her into touch with my little pink pills! I don’t know whether the pills did anything other than the act of taking them seemed to make me more focused, but the suppositories and gel were a definite help… ooh cannot believe I just wrote that!
You may ask why I didn’t broach the subject of our lack of sex sooner with my husband. I have no answer other than I guess it didn’t seem to be a problem. Anyway, talking to men about emotions is always difficult plus add to that the admission that there is a problem all adds up to an impossible conversation. I don’t know how long this will all last but I am enjoying it while it does!
For more health information about post-menopause visit Health & Her website where you’ll find advice and products to help.