Joyce, 65, and Elaine, 54, have found fulfilment and purpose by becoming foster parents through fostering charity TACT.
Formed in 1992, TACT is the UK’s largest dedicated fostering charity, providing high-quality, child-centred fostering services.
We spoke to Joyce and Elaine about their experiences of fostering and the difference it’s made to their lives.
Joyce - “We loved them right from the start”
Joyce and her husband John, 66, have been foster parents for around 12 years. Despite never having children of her own, Joyce was involved in the upbringing of her step children. She previously worked as a team manager for a large global bank, while John was a production manager at a print company.
Though they lived a comfortable life, the couple decided they could gain greater fulfilment through fostering young people.
Joyce explains, “We were our own bosses really and it was pretty pleasant – but I just found it a bit boring!
“I remember seeing lots of stories of children who had difficult life experiences in the news, and over time they really got to me. By that point our hearts were open and we just decided to go for it, so I packed in my job and we went into full time fostering. At the beginning it was nerve wracking of course, but we loved them right from the start.
“Although I’d raised my step children, they had their own mum and dad, and I was third in line in a sense. So when we had our first foster placement, it was special to me.
“I know he loved us right away too, and we just never looked back.”
Ever since, Joyce and John have had a home full of foster children and have been fostering two young siblings since 2016.
Elaine - “I thought to myself, what an amazing thing to have an impact on someone’s life like that”
Elaine and her husband Anthony, 59, from Birmingham have been fostering two teenagers since 2017. They have two children of their own, and Elaine works as a Business Liaison Manager.
Having seen some of her family members take up fostering, Elaine explained it was always something that she and Anthony had considered.
She says, “When I met my husband we always talked about how much we loved children. We thought about fostering and held back for a bit, but then went for it when the time felt right.
“A few people in my family foster children, so I’d already seen the richness of it. It really touched me seeing the lasting effect that my aunt had had on the two boys she fostered. I thought to myself, what an amazing thing to have an impact on somebody else’s life like that.”
“The support and training at TACT is second to none”
Fostering charity, TACT are committed to providing all their foster carers with the correct training and support to help them develop the skills and experience needed to handle any situation. This includes access to lots of training courses, and an assigned social worker for support and guidance.
Elaine says, “The training at TACT is second to none. It’s very thought provoking and you do actually go away and think about it for a few days.
“The support is great too. If you have any problems, you absolutely know that your social worker is listening and you feel prioritised. There’s been a few times where I’ve been faced with a difficult situation, but speaking with my social worker helps me take a step back and make the right decisions.”
Joyce has a similar account of her experience with TACT. She says, “We’ve had fantastic support from TACT. Our social workers made themselves available at any time and there’s a lot of trust between us on both sides – I absolutely wouldn’t have been able to do it without them.”
“Being in foster care has given them the opportunity to have a good future, which they absolutely wouldn’t have had”
Fostering can transform a child’s life and both Joyce and Elaine explained the wonderful transformation they’ve seen in their foster children.
Joyce says, “Our two young ones are lovely bright boys. They’re beautiful, they really are. They had a difficult start in life, but now, they’re in a safe and happy home.
“The younger lad says he wants to have 21 children when he’s older, all from an orphanage. He wants to go to university or become a policeman. Our older boy loves theatre and drama and he wants to be a pilot. They’re eight and nine years old – what fantastic aspirations for both our boys.
“The transformation in them is immense. Foster care has given them the opportunity to have a good future, which they absolutely wouldn’t have had.”
Elaine added, “For the children, it’s having that stability, and knowing that they belong and have a future, instead of just existing from one day to the next without purpose. They start to see the world and themselves differently.
“Seeing my foster daughter burst into tears because she got into college was a massive one for me. It was like winning the lottery. Or when my foster son came home from school with a distinction because he’s doing so well. They’re thriving as people.”
“The children keep me going, they keep me young”
Alongside the benefits for young people, there are many advantages for foster carers too. As Joyce and Elaine explained, fostering has brought them great joy, allowed them to learn new skills, meet new people, and, most of all, stay young and busy.
Joyce says, “Fostering keeps you on your toes and keeps your memory going because you have to remember so many different things, like homework and after school activities.
“My days are busy, but what else would I want to be doing at this age? I don’t want to just sit around watching TV all day – my head and my heart just aren’t ready to do that. Our house is lively again, and seeing them happy just fills your heart. The children keep me going, they keep me young.
“You also get to meet so many different people of all different age groups through TACT.”
Elaine added, “Seeing the difference you can make in a child’s life through fostering is an amazing feeling.
“My son is incredibly close with both my foster children, and sometimes my daughter, foster daughter, and myself will have film nights together with popcorn. When my foster children are in the house, my house feels like home. When they’re not home, I miss them.”
Facing the challenges of fostering
While incredibly rewarding, fostering can be challenging too. All children in care will have experienced some sort of trauma which resulted in them being separated from their birth parents.
Joyce and Elaine explained some common challenges and how they’ve learnt to navigate them.
Joyce says, “Foster children having contact with their birth parents can be challenging. I remember when I stood waiting with one of my boys who’d done drawings for his mum and dad, but they didn’t turn up. Having to stay impartial and not influence when you’re absolutely boiling inside for that child is really hard.
“Also because of trauma, you sometimes have to say things to the children 101 times for it to sink in – but you just take it as it comes.”
Elaine continues, “One of the main challenges for me has been understanding that while a young person may look mature, what you’re actually faced with is a five-year-old, because they haven’t had a chance to develop emotionally. The damage of their whole situation and background can make them regress a bit.
“Sometimes it’s a slow process of getting them to see themselves in a different way. For example, they might have been neglected and not been told to wash, or they’re so used to being hungry that they try and hoard food.
“It requires a lot of patience to find ways of talking to that person and you have to work to understand their perspective and the reasons that they’re behaving the way they are.”
“It’s so important to remember that a teenager is in care for exactly the same reason as an eight-month old baby. They need just as much love and support”
Due to common misconceptions that those in care are troublemakers, some people are put off the idea of fostering teenagers. Along with sibling groups, teenagers in care are among those most in need of foster parents.
Having fostered teenagers and sibling groups themselves, Joyce and Elaine shared their experiences.
Elaine says, “It’s so important to remember that a teenager is in care for exactly the same reason as an eight-month old baby. They didn’t choose to be there and they need as much love and support as any child.
“There’s huge benefits to fostering teenagers because you can talk to them and they can express themselves. You also don’t have to baby them all the time or do all the school runs – there’s a lot more freedom. You might get challenged in certain ways, but I have that with my birth children anyway.
“Fostering sibling groups can also help young people to feel more comfortable and settle in faster, because they have each other.”
Joyce added, “It’s just about learning to understand the trauma that a young person has gone through, understanding why they have certain traits, and how you can try to make these things positive for them.”
“What you need is room in your heart, and room in your home”
Many people also assume they’re not suitable to be foster carers. However, factors like marital status, sexuality, age, and owning a home don’t determine someone’s suitability.
Aside from certain requirements – such as being a full-time UK resident – the main skills that make good foster carers include empathy, sense of humour, good listening skills, structure, and stability.
Joyce says, “You have to have a lot of tolerance. If you show empathy, consideration, understanding, and compassion, you can be taught everything else you need to know in foster training – such as learning to understand how a young person is thinking. And, these skills naturally develop anyway.
“Being able to stand up for the child and remain calm no matter the situation is really important. It’s all about building a strong structure. Even in hard times, you just have to stick to your principles and they’ll eventually come back to you.”
Elaine continues, “What you need is room in your heart and room in your home. If you can love a stranger, you’ll make a good foster parent.
“They need stability, love, and discipline. But most importantly, you need to understand that you’re not always going to get it right.”
Looking towards the future
When asked to look ahead, both Elaine and Joyce said they see themselves fostering for the foreseeable future.
Elaine says, “I’d like to continue fostering until I’m an old lady! Probably at least for another 10 years, as long as I’m in good health.”
In agreement with Elaine, Joyce added, “At the moment we’ve got two young boys who are with us permanently, as well as an 18-year-old. Unless they want to, they’re not going anywhere. They’re our family and we want to keep doing as much as we can to ensure they have a positive future.”
On 12th April, TACT will be hosting a free Rest Less event; Could you be a foster carer? For information on what to expect and how to book your free event ticket, click here.
If you’d like to read more information about fostering, visit the TACT website or have a read of our article; TACT fostering: what is fostering and could it be for you?