Gaslighting is a type of intentional manipulation that causes victims to doubt their thoughts, opinions, and perception of reality. It’s used in a variety of settings but is particularly common in romantic relationships, often for the purposes of control.
Being gaslit can negatively impact people’s self-worth and confidence, especially because the signs aren’t always immediately obvious.
Here, we’ll take a closer look at what gaslighting is, common signs to look out for, and how to cope.
What is gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a form of intentional manipulation and emotional abuse, which causes people to question their own feelings, judgements, and reality.
It’s essentially a method of control that breaks down people’s trust in themselves, forcing them to look to others for validation. Over time, victims of gaslighting can start to feel unsure about the accuracy of their own beliefs and memories, leading to confusion, a loss of confidence and self-esteem, and often, increased co-dependency on the perpetrator.
Gaslighting is most common in romantic relationships, but can also occur in other settings like family relationships, friendships, and the workplace.
The term gaslighting comes from the name of a 1938 play and 1944 film, Gaslight, in which a husband manipulates his wife into thinking she’s insane.
What are some examples of gaslighting?
According to experts, gaslighting can occur in a variety of different ways. We’ll cover some of the most common examples below…
Countering
Someone may question a person’s memory, for example, by saying things like, “Are you sure that happened? You often have a bad memory”, or “I think you’re forgetting what really happened”.
Trivialising
Trivialising is when a person trivialises or disregards how another person feels. They may say they’re being too sensitive or overreacting.
Withholding
Someone may pretend they don’t understand the conversation or refuse to listen to make the other person doubt themselves. For example, they might say, “I don’t know what you’re talking about”, or “You’re just confusing me now.”
Denial
Refusing to take responsibility for their actions. People may do this by pretending to forget what happened, denying they did it, or blaming other people for their behaviour.
Diverting
People may use this technique to divert the focus of a conversation by questioning someone else’s credibility. For example, they might say, “That’s just gibberish you read somewhere, it’s not true.”
What are the signs of gaslighting?
Gaslighting can be difficult to recognise, particularly for victims, as it’s often subtle and can be confused with other behaviours. Victims may feel that they trust the person gaslighting them and, therefore, have a difficult time recognising the signs or, instead, believe that it’s their fault.
However, self-doubt and relying on other people to confirm memories and decisions can be direct signs of gaslighting in itself.
Some of the most common signs of gaslighting include…
- Constantly apologising, even if you’ve done nothing wrong
- Frequently questioning your thoughts, actions, and memory
- Feeling anxious and nervous
- Feeling like you’re losing your identity to the point you don’t know who you are
- Becoming withdrawn or isolated
- Defending the abuser’s actions to others
- Feeling frustrated and hopeless
- Getting the feeling that something isn’t right, even though you’re unable to identify the problem
- Lacking confidence and self-worth
- Believing you’re going crazy or being irrational
- Thinking you can’t do anything right
- Feeling dismissed or ridiculed when trying to explain how you feel
Gaslighting has also been linked with an increased risk of anxiety, depression, and psychological trauma, particularly if it’s a part of wider abuse.
What can cause people to gaslight others?
According to research, gaslighting is a learned behaviour that people develop by watching others. For example, being gaslit by your parents may increase the chances of you picking up similar behaviour.
Studies suggest that there are two main motivations for gaslighting. The first of these is that it provides a way for people to avoid accountability, and the second is to control others.
Many experts agree that people often turn to gaslighting to validate themselves. For example, if they feel threatened, gaslighting allows them to regain a sense of power and control by validating their version of events.
Gaslighting is closely linked with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). In fact, it’s recognised as one of the many manipulative tactics narcissists may use to achieve their goals of dominance and control. However, it’s important to note that not everyone who gaslights is a narcissist.
You can read more about the potential causes of gaslighting on Psychology Today’s website.
What situations can gaslighting occur in?
Gaslighting can take place in various situations, but is particularly common in areas like…
Romantic relationships
People may use gaslighting in romantic relationships to try and isolate their partner, lower their confidence, and make them easier to control.
The workplace
According to research, gaslighting in the workplace most often occurs between someone in a position of power, such as a manager, and someone employed beneath them.
Employees may doubt their worth by being made to feel incompetent or that they’re getting everything wrong.
For example, someone might tell you one thing verbally, then deny it in a text; or make promises which they deny later.
Child-parent relationships
Abusive parents or caretakers may gaslight children to undermine them. For example, they may say that they’re too sensitive when upset.
5 ways to handle gaslighting
If you suspect you may be a victim of gaslighting, below are some helpful ways to respond.
1. Make sure it’s gaslighting
Gaslighting can be subtle and difficult to recognise, particularly as other behaviours can appear similar.
However, true gaslighting will develop into a repeated pattern of manipulation as the gaslighter intends to make you doubt yourself. So, for example, if someone shares a different opinion to yours, even in an impolite or critical way, it’s not necessarily gaslighting.
Similarly, people can sometimes gaslight unintentionally; “I don’t have time to listen to you right now” or “I think you’re overreacting slightly” may not be the kindest responses, but don’t necessarily mean the other person is trying to manipulate you.
Paying attention to how you feel can help you to determine the difference. For example, being gaslit often leads people to constantly question themselves, apologise frequently, find it difficult to make decisions, and worry that they’re too sensitive.
2. Gather evidence
Gathering examples of interactions with someone you feel is trying to gaslight you can help you get a better perspective on what’s really happening.
This can include saving texts or emails and noting down dates and times of conversations to refer back to if the person denies a conversation or event.
Note: When gathering evidence, it’s important to set boundaries to avoid overwhelming yourself. For example, only looking back over the evidence you’ve gathered on a weekly basis.
3. Confide in people you trust
When dealing with gaslighting, you might worry that talking to others could add unnecessary drama to the situation. But it’s important to open up to and seek advice from people you love and trust.
Often, an outsider will be able to offer a clearer view of the situation too and reinforce the knowledge that you aren’t going ‘crazy’.
It’s also not uncommon for victims of gaslighting to become isolated and withdrawn from loved ones. If this is something you’re experiencing, it’s all the more important to lean on and reconnect with loved ones around you.
4. Take care of yourself
Taking care of yourself, physically and mentally, won’t directly address gaslighting, but it can make all the difference to your state of mind and ability to see the situation clearly.
This can include spending time with loved ones, practising self-affirmations, making time for hobbies, journaling, and staying active.
When recovering from gaslighting, it’s normal to experience a wave of emotions. Some people feel frustrated with themselves for not seeing the signs, while others may struggle with anger towards the person who gaslit them.
Whatever emotions you feel, it’s important to be patient with yourself and, where necessary, allow yourself time to grieve. The healthy mind section of our website has information on everything from grief and loss to building confidence and self-esteem, if you’d like further guidance.
5. Lean on professional support
Gaslighting can sometimes become serious and a form of coercive control. If you’re struggling with your mental health as a result of gaslighting, it’s important to seek professional support.
Below are some resources…
For gaslighting in the workplace, you can find information on the complaints procedure on the Citizens Advice website. You can also seek further advice using the National Bullying Helpline.
The healthy mind section of our website has information on counselling and therapy if you feel this is something you may benefit from.
Final thoughts...
Gaslighting can have a serious impact on a person’s mental health and wellbeing. If you suspect you’re being gaslit, it’s important to remember that you’re not alone and that there are people and resources out there to help you.
For further reading, head over to the healthy mind section of our website. Here, you’ll find information on everything from coping with anxiety and depression daily, to how to find counselling and therapy services.