So you’ve recently started dating someone new [love-eyes emoji]. You’ve swapped numbers and started texting [excited emoji]! But now you’re worrying that you’ll text too much or too little, and mess everything up? [scared emoji/bomb emoji/broken heart emoji]
Relax…we’ll get you up to speed and help you consider how often to text someone new between dates.
How important is texting in dating?
There’s a reason most mobile phone contracts come with unlimited texts. Messaging has become the world’s favourite method of communication, with over 16 million messages sent every minute in 2024.
The upside of texting in dating
Texting is quick, simple, informal, and lighthearted. Messages can be as long or brief as you like, and sent 24/7 on various apps like iMessage, WhatsApp, Viber, or Telegram. You can also send direct messages on social media.
Texts are a natural stepping stone between talking to someone on a dating app and meeting them in person.
And the downsides of texting in dating…
A text is less powerful than a phone call if you’re keen to build attraction. When we talk to someone we fancy, even over the phone, our bodies produce oxytocin, a powerful bonding hormone that can increase feelings of affection and trust. Phone calls can also lower cortisol (stress hormone) levels, helping you both feel more relaxed.
Texting isn’t arousing, it’s addictive. Research into smartphone addiction is finding that our brain releases a small hit of dopamine every time we check our phone. And what do we do every time we hear a text notification? Check our phones.
This addictive cycle might be why, according to Experian, younger people (aged 18-24) send an average of 128 text messages every day. In contrast, people aged over 55 send an average of just 16.
Texting is also more prone to miscommunication. In texts, you can’t read body language or tone of voice, so it’s trickier to accurately interpret the message.
Good and not-so-good reasons to text a new partner
There are many feelings that might inspire you to compose a text when you’re dating someone new. Here are the best, and the ones that might warrant a second thought.
You’re confirming plans – Good
Want your date to know you’ll be there tonight at 7pm, holding a copy of The Times? Go ahead and send that message.
You’re cancelling plans – Not so good
It’s generally not great form to cancel a date by text. So, if you’d like to see the person again, consider calling them to break the news instead.
You want them to know you’re thinking of them – Good
This is probably the very best reason to fire off a quick message. Keep it light, short and very sweet. Using humour is a great way to show your emotions without scaring anyone away. “I saw this and thought of you” could be a fun caption to a million different photos, from a bottle of wine, to a video you thought would make them laugh.
You want them to know you’re still angry – Not so good
Negative or difficult conversations are much more effective when had in person. Also, text messages can be forwarded or shown to anyone. If you’d rather not go viral, skip the angry texts.
You’re saying thanks for a lovely evening – Good
Sending a quick, warm “Thank you” text is a smooth move, especially on your way home from the date.
You’re sharing politically incorrect opinions – Not so good
Texting isn’t a safe place to share contentious views. It can even be a sackable offence. It’s best to keep your texts light and fun, especially in the beginning.
You feel mushy – Good
Having a surge of feel-good emotions? Feel free to put that in writing in a sweet message. However, try to keep it brief, so as not to overwhelm your new date.
You feel lonely – Not so good
Reach out with a phone call, or talk to friends instead. If your date can’t immediately reply to your message, you might feel even lonelier. It’s also not a good idea to hold your date responsible for keeping your loneliness at bay – as this isn’t healthy grounding for a relationship.
How often should you text a new date?
If you’re hoping for a magic formula, unfortunately, there isn’t one. But, luckily, there are some research-backed tips for sending messages that have been shown to increase dating success.
How to improve your texting game
Here’s how to master the art of texting when you’re dating someone new.
Discuss your texting style before things get heated
Research has found the happiest couples share a similar texting style. For a relationship to thrive, it helps if you’re both frequent texters with thumbs the size of watermelons, or both the strong, silent type.
When texting styles differ, couples are more likely to feel dissatisfied with the relationship as a whole. This effect is so strong that well-matched texting couples – whose messages are the same length or written in the same style – feel happier than mismatched messagers, even when their texts are discussing problems in the relationship.
What type of texter are you? Long, frequent, and chatty? Or brief to the point of being curt? Whichever it is, it might be wise to tell your dates early on and see if you can find some common ground. It could help your relationship to thrive long-term.
Remember that spelling does matter
Texting is an informal method of communication. But just because you can add a liberal seasoning of punctuation, emojis, and abbreviations, doesn’t mean you necessarily should – especially if you’re texting anyone over 50.
In 2017, an American study was conducted to find out how businesses could encourage more 50+ patients to sign up for message-based services instead of attending appointments in person. The study sent out various texts in different styles to see which might be most effective.
The results were clear. Almost 90% of the participants over 50 would only respond to texts if they were perfectly spelt, with flawless grammar, phrased in a positive way, didn’t include emojis, and used single (!) rather than multiple (!!!) punctuation.
People in this age group also responded more positively to “you” rather than “we” statements. So perhaps think twice before you try to arrange a date with, “WYD Fri? Shall we meet for {food and wine emojis}???”
Try not to create a ‘communication debt’
Messages often feel like a low-pressure form of communication. A casual gesture, something the recipient can open and respond to at any time, without any stress. But, in today’s world, this often isn’t the case.
Each message we receive can create a ‘communication debt’ that we feel compelled to repay. Messages flooding our phones can make us feel tense and resentful, and like we’d rather stop replying altogether (like when you grumpily leave a hectic WhatsApp group).
Therefore, it’s generally wise to avoid the temptation to double-text or send lots of messages. Even sending a follow-up message like, “I know you’re busy – no pressure to reply,” can increase the debt.
Keep texting to sociable hours
Forbes research found that 96% of texts are read within three minutes of being sent.
Another way to text thoughtfully is to consider what the recipient is likely to be doing in the next three minutes. If they’re going to be driving, working, or sleeping, perhaps you could wait.
Think twice before sexting
It’s late, you’re in the mood, and you have an overwhelming urge to ‘sext’ a new partner. Should you?
Again, it’s probably best to wait. Research published in Computers in Human Behavior found people who sent sexts to casual partners reported fewer relationship benefits and more relationship problems than those who sent them only to committed partners.
One-10th reported negative sexual or emotional sexting consequences. And people who sent multiple sexts a day were found to have less satisfying sex lives, and be more likely to cheat, than those who didn’t.
Mix things up
The reason that the beginning of a relationship is so intoxicating (and addictive) is that it’s unpredictable.
When we don’t know what’s around the corner, our brains light up and start pumping out dopamine. That’s why slot machines and social media all use the power of intermittent reinforcement to keep you coming back.
You can apply the same tactic to your texts by avoiding getting into a routine. Instead of sending messages at the same time every morning and evening, consider throwing in a rogue lunchtime message too. Or leaving a voice note or a funny meme. Or expressing your feelings by sending them a song.
Final thoughts…
When it comes to texting a new date, there’s no one-size-fits-all answer. The frequency of messages depends on personal preferences and the dynamics between you and your partner. However, adopting some healthy texting habits – like avoiding over-texting and keeping to sociable hours, may help to increase your chances of success.
Good luck!
What are your thoughts on how often you should text someone in between dates? We’d be interested to hear from you in the comments below.