Nick and Georgina met in 2022 at a work conference. They were both divorced, single parents of teenage kids and lived 200 miles away from each other.
As Georgina said, “Nobody goes to an accountancy workshop expecting to find love, but our attraction was immediate and, luckily, mutual. I thought we’d just be a fling, so things moved faster that weekend than they normally would, and we woke up together on the last day.
Although we swapped numbers as we left, I sort of expected never to hear from him again. But by the time I’d driven home, he’d texted me five times and suggested three different dates to meet.”
But, as Nick and Georgina were about to find out, long-distance relationships aren’t easy. According to research, most long-distance couples break up after just 4.5 months. Couples can fall apart because of lack of sex, distrust, or the misery of spending special dates (like birthdays and Christmas) apart.
But if you can just make it past the six-month mark, then 73% of long-distance relationships last, compared to 71% of couples who live nearby. In the UK, 10.8% of marriages are between couples who initially lived more than 125 miles apart.
So, how do you make a long-distance relationship survive? Here’s our tips.
1. Prioritise communication
Research has found that the most important factor in long-distance longevity is communication. Specifically, intimate, soul-baring, honest communication.
You can’t get away with one-line emails or the occasional emoji: you need regular, open chats and lots of self-disclosure. Though, the good news is, if you get the hang of this, you’ll feel more intimate and connected than girlfriend-next-door couples who have all the proximity but none of the openness.
It can help to use a mixture of approaches to stay in touch and keep the relationship feeling fresh and fun. For example…
- Video apps like Zoom, Skype or GoogleMeet are the perfect medium for a long-distance dinner date for two. You could set up your laptops across your dining table, or cook via Facetime in your separate kitchens. This time could be used to talk about your days, or what you’re looking forward to next time you meet up.
- Love letters are as powerful today as they were in The Go-Between, especially if you spray your letter with your signature perfume or aftershave. If possible, bare your soul in your letters, and use them as a way to share things you might be too shy to say in person.
- You could send your partner a parcel of their favourite sweets, booze, books, or flowers. This is a lovely chance to show that you remember important information about them, like their favourite chocolates or brand of biscuits.
For Nick and Georgina, spreadsheets were the – unusual – way to go. “We’re both accountants and so we use spreadsheets all the time. Nick set up a funny Excel sheet about all the things he was looking forward to doing with me over 2023. When we’d achieved one of them, he’d add notes (like a TripAdvisor review) and attach photos. It was really sweet.”
2. Maintain a positive attitude
Your love might be challenged geographically, but you only need to watch couples fighting in your local supermarket to realise that closeness doesn’t always equal bliss.
A key difference between couples that last and those that split is that happy couples put a positive spin on their circumstances. You might not be as near as you’d like – but you’re also not fighting over the thermostat.
Georgina used to get upset about the distance, but her first unhappy marriage and a chat with her teenage daughter put things into perspective.
“I took my daughter to a spa one weekend when Nick was busy, and I burst into tears during a massage,” said Georgina. “My daughter reminded me that her Dad and I had lived in the same house but very separately for years. She also told me that she was proud of the way I’d created a life since the divorce, and suggested maybe it was good that I didn’t have to give everything up for another man.”
3. Keep your spirits up
The most effective way to keep a positive attitude, according to research, is to have clear and achievable goals for the future. Like Nick’s spreadsheet of plans. Literally #couplegoals.
- Start a shared diary and both add dates to look forward to. These could be big events like Christmas or a summer holiday, but also tiny, easy plans, like bingeing a box set together using a group TV app like Teleparty.
- Plan regular visits. Discover what works best for you both – is it seeing each other most weekends, or for longer visits, less frequently? Nick and Georgina both had kids at home, so longer trips were trickier to arrange. Instead, they synchronised the weekends when their exes had the children, so they could meet up once or twice a month.
- Create quirky traditions. For example, Sexting Saturday, where you send each other filthy messages one day a week. Or Book At Bedtime, where you both listen to the same audiobook each night.
4. Foster your independence
It’s important to maintain your sense of self in any relationship, but especially one where you’re not together every day.
One very positive aspect of long-distance relationships is that they encourage you to keep growing as individuals, because you can’t waste hours arguing over the remote control like the rest of us do. Set goals for yourself and make an effort to celebrate your partner’s independence too.
Georgina took up knitting. “A friend of mine dragged me along to a local craft group, and I was immediately hooked. Keeping my hands busy took my mind off missing Nick, and I could do it while we were having one of our long phone calls.
“I started knitting him a jumper and told myself I’d give it to him at Christmas. It took me much longer than I expected, so that almost put a positive spin on the fact I wouldn’t see him for a while.”
How to make the most of your solo time
- Throw yourself into fitness. Not only will it ensure you look extra hot for your next date with your partner, but it’ll bolster feelings of happiness too. Consider scheduling solo dates with nature where you stroll through woodland. It’s proven to lower stress.
- Maintain your friendships. If you can’t see your partner next week, that’s seven free nights when you could see your parents, neighbours, best friend… If you’re feeling low and lonely, why not sign up to volunteer in your local community or join a friendly local group?
- Lose yourself in a hobby. Not having a partner coming home every evening means you can really embrace your own interests. Fancy filling your dining table with Lego models? Nobody will tut when it’s teatime. Want to paint landscapes in your living room? Splash as much as you like! Fill your time with things you truly love, and you will appreciate, rather than resent, your freedom.
Things worked out well for Nick and Georgina. They’ll be moving in together early next year when Georgina’s daughter goes away to university. Georgina is looking forward to it but is already making the most of the time she has left to herself.
She said, “It’ll be lovely to wake up with Nick every morning, but I’m already encouraging him to find a local golf club to disappear off to some weekends. I’ve grown to love time by myself these past few years and I don’t plan to give it up completely.”
Final thoughts…
Despite the challenges that distance creates, long-distance relationships can flourish with the right approach and mindset.
By prioritising open communication, maintaining a positive outlook through shared goals and traditions, and nurturing your individual growth and interests, you can build a strong and fulfilling relationship regardless of the miles between you.
Remember that distance is temporary, but the foundation you build through these practices will strengthen your connection for years to come. With dedication, creativity, and mutual support, your long-distance relationship can not only survive but thrive.
Are you in a long-distance relationship? What are your top tips for staying connected? We’d love to hear from you in the comments below.