There comes a point in most dater’s lives when they’re tempted to take a break. It’s caused by one disastrous date or lots of tiny disappointments, but it sparks the urge to give up on the search for love completely.
“That’s it!” you might cry, deleting yet another vulgar photo that you didn’t ask for or picking up another bill at a date. “I QUIT.” You might then cancel your online-dating membership, rip up your speed-dating card, and hang up your carefully selected date night outfits.
But should you?
As a dating coach, my answer would be, it depends. Occasionally, it’s absolutely the right choice to take a break. Have a breather, hog the remote, relish your independence.
Often, though, what’s needed isn’t a break but a ‘tweak’. Many common dating frustrations can be fixed with tiny, easy changes. And making these adjustments can take you from burnt-out to fired up, helping you to enjoy dating again.
With that said, here are the five most common reasons people want to quit dating, and the tweaks I’d suggest you try first.
1. Problem – you’re not getting any replies online
Despite sending out thoughtful, funny, spell-checked messages, perhaps you rarely hear anything back. Naturally, this can leave you feeling deflated and wanting to throw in the towel.
Tweak – try updating your profile
The first thing someone will do when they receive your funny, clever message is check out your profile. If they’re not replying to you, your profile may either be putting them off a bit, or just not inspiring them to reply.
But why would your profile put them off? It’s usually one of two things.
They have a specific type
You might not match their preferred age group, location, body type, height, zodiac sign, number of pets, smoking preferences… The possibilities here are too many to worry about, so try not to.
We can’t control being someone’s type, and it’s better that these people weed themselves out at this early stage, rather than string you along. If you’re beginning to worry that you’re nobody’s type, check who you send messages to.
There will often be a section on their profile where they list their must-have criteria, so I’d avoid sending messages if it’s really not a match – as this will save you both time and energy.
Your profile needs a boost
Even if you are someone’s ideal match, something about your profile might stop them from getting in touch. It could be that your photos aren’t very clear or you’ve mentioned an ex – or you’ve written too much or not nearly enough. I’ve written a guide to creating a great online-dating profile, which will hopefully help.
It’s a good idea to keep updating your profile, too, to appeal to different characters (and also to appease some apps’ algorithms) – so it might be worth changing it and seeing if that brings you more mail.
2. Problem – you can’t find anyone you like
Perhaps you’d love to throw yourself into dating, but your options seem limited. Very few people excite you, and even fewer seem a match for your personality, lifestyle, or ambition.
Tweak – try relaxing your requirements for the first date
I’m not saying you’re too picky. But if you’re struggling to find one date-worthy person on a planet containing over 6 billion, maybe you could try relaxing your entry requirements – just a smidge?
Your ideal partner won’t come as a set of ticked boxes. If you look back at your exes – would every one of them score 100% on your list of must-haves? And if they fell down on some categories (like height, income, or education), was that the reason you broke up? Honestly?
Fussiness is sometimes a disguise for fear. If you’re scared of being hurt, you can avoid being rejected by rejecting everyone first. And although this is understandable, setting the bar unrealistically high is an easy way to stay single.
If you’d really, genuinely, like to find a partner, it can be helpful to widen your net for the first date. Start saying yes to people who might not be perfect and, instead, focus any must-haves on practical issues (like being a non-smoker, living within 25 miles, and not being allergic to your pets) instead of physical traits.
And try to remember, it’s only one date. If the chemistry isn’t there, you don’t have to see them again. But, if it is, you might have met someone lovely.
3. Problem – dating is too expensive
If you’re on a budget and you’d love to date more people, but you simply don’t have the cash, then you certainly aren’t alone.
Tweak – try finding romantic, but inexpensive, dates
The good news is that there are plenty of ways of meeting new people on a budget that don’t involve bringing a flask to Starbucks. The secret to saving money without looking mean is to tailor your low-cost dates to your partner’s hobbies. That way you can seem thoughtful and caring, rather than skint.
For example, if you know they love art and culture, why not suggest visiting a gallery? If they’re a foodie, pack a gourmet or unusual picnic. Love board games? Challenge them to a game of scrabble in your local pub. Love live music? Find a local open-mic night, or karaoke event.
For more ideas, check out our round-up of 20 low-cost dates.
4. Problem – everyone’s looking for someone younger/ thinner/ taller/ richer than me
Would you say that, as much as you’d like to find someone new, you don’t feel good enough to star in a romantic love story? Again, plenty of people feel this way.
Tweak – work on boosting your self esteem
I’ve been working with singles since 2006 and I know for a fact that people exactly like you find love every day. Love isn’t reserved for the rich and skinny, tall and blonde – but the lovable, sweet, and normal.
So why don’t you feel you deserve it? Sometimes a critical parent can leave us feeling like we’re not good enough. If that’s true for you, you’ve probably always felt this way, even in your 20s when you had the metabolism of a Porsche. Perhaps you’ve always felt grateful for anyone’s attention, and have stayed in unhappy relationships for longer than you should.
Or, if an abusive ex or a terrible break-up left your confidence in shreds, maybe you used to like yourself but you’ve forgotten why – and now you shrink from attention.
The easiest, most effective way to work on both issues is to see a counsellor or therapist. Consider it a pre-date tune-up, to ensure you get back onto the singles scene in pristine condition.
Another effective way to raise self-esteem is step outside of your comfort zone and set, and achieve, small goals. What frightens you? What have you been putting off? What are your friends always encouraging you to try? Giving it a go can elevate your confidence like nothing else.
And when you consistently prove to yourself that you’re a bright, capable, worthwhile person – which you are – you’ll begin to believe other people could share that view too.
5. Problem – I’m too busy already
Maybe after you’ve taken care of kids, parents, work, friends and hobbies, you have exactly 32 minutes per week for dating.
Tweak – try guarding your time
Whenever I’m coaching someone who claims to be too busy to find love, I know their defences are up. “I’m too busy” usually translates to, “Dating has become an unrewarding chore. I don’t have time to be messed around, so I’d prefer to focus on the areas of my life where I can be successful.”
I understand the feeling, but I don’t recommend the solution. If you give up on dating altogether, you’ll probably start again in a few months’ time and the cycle will repeat. So, it can be better to try breaking the pattern and dating in a lighter, more manageable (and more effective) way.
For example, you could set aside one night a week for your love life. It doesn’t have to be a weekend night: Monday or Tuesday is fine. On that night, you’ll do all your dating admin, like…
- Creating/updating your online-dating profile,
- Replying to messages,
- Reading self-help books,
- Looking for local singles events,
- Meeting people for dates, or
- Offloading every dating detail onto your best friend.
The rest of the week, try to focus on the rest of your life. And, in fact, the more enthusiastically you engage with your work, friends, family and hobbies, chances are, the better your dates will go. And when someone comes along who you want to carve out more hours for, you’ll know you’re onto something good.
Final thoughts…
It’s normal to feel like giving up on dating. The modern singles scene can be challenging. But it’s often worth trying small, simple tweaks to improve your experience before you give up on love for good. You could try…
- Updating your profile
- Relaxing your requirements
- Finding fun, cheap, dates
- Raising your self-esteem
- Guarding your time.
And remember to try to relax and have fun!
Have you found ways to reignite your enthusiasm for dating? I’d love to hear what worked for you in the comments below.