Multiple dating – also known as casual dating, polyamory, or ethical non-monogamy – isn’t as rare as you might expect. While some of us (and I raise my hand here) struggled to find more than one likely partner at a time, others are happily seeing several people at once.
A 2019 survey by YouGov found that around one in five Brits (20%) have engaged in consensual non-monogamous relationships at some point in their lives. For some couples, that only lasts through very early dates before they settle into monogamy. For others, it’s a long-term lifestyle.
If you’re currently dating, would multiple dating be a good choice for you? Let’s find out.
Understanding multiple dating
There are many different types of multiple dating – but what are some of the most common ones?
Casual dating
Casual dating is the experience of meeting lots of different people for early dates, until you choose the one you’d like to begin a relationship with. At that point, you verbally agree to be exclusive, and stop seeing other people.
This is a form of dating you might be most familiar with. It’s becoming very popular as more people meet online. Younger generations often refer to these early casual dates as ‘The Talking Stage’.
Situationships
Situationships are similar to what we used to call ‘Friends With Benefits’ or ‘F___ Buddies’. You see someone regularly and usually (but not always) have sex and/or share your innermost thoughts with them. But the relationship isn’t monogamous.
While situationships can be a light-hearted experience, they can also be confusing or upsetting if one of you secretly harbours deeper feelings for the other.
Ethical non-monogamy (also called ‘open relationships’)
Ethical non-monogamous couples stay uncommitted, even though their non-monogamous relationship has become sexual and/or emotional. They’re open and honest with each other about seeing others.
Ethical non-monogamy isn’t a stage in a relationship, it’s usually a long-term choice.
Polyamory
When people are polyamourous, they have multiple loving, emotional, and/or romantic relationships at one time.
Polyamorous relationships may include a hierarchy where one couple can be deemed the ‘primary’ relationship, while others form a ‘secondary’ relationship. Or, you might have a ‘throuple’, where three people form one polyamorous relationship.
In contrast, some polyamorous relationships can be non-hierarchical, where every relationship is equally important as the others.
Polygamy
Polygamy is a type of marriage that involves marrying more than one person.
The benefits of multiple dating
Do you feel exhausted just reading about the different types of multiple dating? We’re with you! But keep reading – as, for some, there are good reasons for avoiding commitment, even just for a while.
Multiple dating can ease you back into a relationship
If you’re newly back on the singles scene, multiple dating can give you breathing room to enjoy meeting new people without any commitment.
It can also be helpful if a bad experience has made you feel that you’re drawn to unhealthy partners. You’re more likely to date a wider group of people if you know you won’t be settling down with any of them for a while.
Multiple dating can be exciting
It’s a common belief that you’re less likely to fall into a dating rut if you date different people at once. Your diary will be busier, and you’ll experience more new things.
Multiple dating helps you know what you’re looking for
Sometimes, the only way to recognise your ideal partner is to spend time with not-ideal partners. By getting to know lots of different people, you’ll also get to know the type of person who makes you feel happy, relaxed, and content.
Multiple dating takes the pressure off
If you’re hoping for a commitment, it can be easy to treat each date like an audition. You might feel that you have to appear perfect to earn the role of boyfriend/girlfriend.
Multiple dating removes all that pressure. You’re more likely to be yourself (albeit a busier, slightly more tired version) without worrying that you won’t get through to the next round.
Multiple dating stops you committing too soon
We can sometimes fall in love with the idea of someone, then realise later on they’re very different to the image we’ve built up of them. Having lots of different partners can allow us to get to know everyone before committing to anyone in particular.
The drawbacks of multiple dating
Of course, there can be drawbacks to moving your love life into the fast lane. For example…
Multiple dating takes time
If you already have a busy life, jam-packed with work, children, parents, and friends, you might struggle to find time for lots of different partners. Remember, each date needs to feel valued and important, which can be draining on a large scale.
Multiple dating can be expensive
Even ‘The Talking Stage’ of dating can cost money. You’ll want to get off the phone and into the world together occasionally, which means coffees, meals, takeaways, and petrol. You might also spend more money maintaining your appearance or buying new date outfits. And just think of the Christmas-present list…
Multiple dating requires a good memory
You’ll need to remember each person’s likes and dislikes, their preferences, and the details of which conversations you had with who. It can be easy to forget who told you what and vice versa, which can make it more difficult to really get to know someone.
At times, they might also feel like they don’t have your full attention, which can affect how much effort and energy they put into your interactions.
Multiple dating can spark jealousy
Even if you know you don’t want commitment, it can be difficult to stay calm when a partner is out with someone else.
If your uncommitted relationship is sexual, it’s even more challenging. Oxytocin (the hormone released during sex) can make us feel bonded to a partner, and may make us more emotional about the thought of a date being with someone else than we expected.
Multiple dating requires clear communication
Honesty and openness are the backbone of multiple dating. This is especially true if you want to enter into a non-monogamous relationship longer term. Remember, non-monogamy without honesty is essentially cheating.
It’s also possible that, even if you’re comfortable and happy with casual dating and don’t feel the need to commit to anyone – one of your dates may see things differently. You’ll need to be able to give (and receive) the truth with your dating partners so that everyone knows where they stand.
Tips for successful multiple dating
So, now we’ve run through the pros and cons of multiple dating, if you fancy keeping things casual, here are our top tips…
Be clear from the start
Try to avoid misleading anyone that you’re seeing. If you’re dating online, make sure your profile doesn’t suggest you’re looking for a committed relationship if you aren’t. And if you are, but really aren’t in any rush, it can be helpful to make this clear in the first couple of dates too.
If you want to keep things casual indefinitely, some people will be put off by this, but let them go. Instead, focus on dating people with a similar outlook to you.
Set clear boundaries
What does the ideal uncommitted relationship look like to you? Do you only stay footloose and fancy-free for the first few dates, or is this a long-term choice?
Are you okay with a partner having sex with someone else? Are you happy staying in a ‘friends with benefits’ style arrangement, or would you prefer a more traditional style of relationship, just with fewer expectations – at least to start with?
Once you’ve worked out what you want, it’s important to share that with your dates.
Be honest with everyone, including yourself
Multiple dating requires some soul searching. It might not be the right choice if you’re actually scared of commitment, or recovering from a bad break-up.
Keep tabs on your own feelings: if you notice you’re feeling jealous, insecure, or depressed, consider changing to a more traditional style of dating. Or perhaps even taking a break from the dating scene altogether for a while to give yourself some time to heal and work out what you’d like from a partner and whether you’re truly ready to date again.
Keep communicating
Every type of relationship changes and evolves, even when they’re non-committal. You’ll need to be willing to have lots of conversations about boundaries and ground rules throughout the relationship.
Further reading on multiple dating
Keen to know more about the complex world of multiple dating? There are plenty of books on the subject…
- The Ethical Slut, by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy. This book is considered the guide to consensual non-monogamy. It offers practical advice on how to handle jealousy, communicate effectively, and maintain ethical open relationships.
- More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory, by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert. Using real-life examples, this book gives insights into building healthy non-monogamous relationships and handy communication strategies.
- Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships, by Tristan Taormino. This book talks about various forms of multiple dating, with advice on how to navigate their specific challenges.
- Stepping Off the Relationship Escalator: Uncommon Love and Life, by Amy Gahran. This is a fun introduction to less conventional relationships. The ‘relationship escalator’ refers to traditional, monogamous, let’s-walk-down-the-aisle couplings that might not suit everyone.
Final thoughts…
One of the best things about dating after 50 is that you’re free to write your own rules. You can settle into a traditional relationship or seek out something far less conventional. So, take some time to think about the type of relationship you really want. And then go for it!
For more tips and advice, head over to the dating section of our website. Or to give online dating a go, why not sign up to Rest Less Dating?
How do you feel about dating multiple people? We’d be interested to hear from you in the comments below.
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