Do you have a wilder side that’s longing to come out? If you do, now could be the time.
Over 50 is the perfect chapter to explore kink with your partner; you finally have the confidence, and probably more time, to embrace every aspect of your sexuality. What we lose in flexibility and muscle mass, we gain in self-knowledge and resourcefulness, and that can reap exciting rewards in the bedroom.
I’m not making this up. Research by the 50+ dating site OurTime discovered that singles over 50 had much more sexual confidence now than they’d ever had in their 20s and 30s. And American research found that midlife women experienced an increase in self-acceptance that boosted their satisfaction.
If you’re staring at this article in horror, worrying I’m about to order you to give up the WI in favour of S&M, please don’t panic. This is a guide to getting into kinks and fetishes gradually. I’m merely going to show you how exploring different fetishes can strengthen your relationship by boosting your playfulness and fun, and give you steps to going a bit darker when – and if ever – you’re ready.
1. Redefine intimacy
Exploring kinks with a partner is the most intimate thing you can do. It requires vulnerability. There is a level of trust within kink communities you’ll never find in the hookup culture. After all, admitting that you’re aroused by activities that are miles off the traditional path of oral-then-missionary has the potential to expose you to ridicule or shame.
But it can also expose you to satisfaction and acceptance. If you’ve felt your sexual relationship is passionate and fun but not emotional, it might be because one, or both, of you is holding back what really turns them on. The first step into kink, and into improving your sexual intimacy, is simply to talk.
How to discuss your desires
- Start a conversation about your fantasies. Use books, films, or just a dream you had, to spark the conversation.
- This isn’t easy! You might find yourself telling half-truths: happily admitting that you’d love to have sex in the kitchen, leaving out the bit about being spanked with an egg whisk. But just start slowly. This is a conversation that you can always return to later.
- When your partner reveals their fantasies, make sure to meet them without judgement. Create a safe space. Both of you need to feel accepted if you’re to trust each other with this kind of information in future.
2. Create a kinky wish list
Once you’ve started discussing your desires, you can move towards action. Again, we’re going to take a baby step here. There’s no need to paint the bedroom red at this stage, or to start drilling butcher’s hooks into your headboard. This is about just finding the kinks you could explore together.
Some good conversation starters are, what do you think about when you masturbate? Those fantasies are usually your core desires, and great things to explore with your partner. Or, have any sex scenes from books or films really turned you on (or unexpectedly turned you off)? If you knew you were going to die tomorrow, is there anything sexy on your bucket list that you’d regret not trying?
Draw up a “Yes/no/is that even legal?” list
- Together, create a list of every possible kink, fetish, or wild activity you can think of. S&M, water sports, exhibitionism…write them all down. If you need inspiration, check out Glamour’s A-Z guide on kinks and fetishes.
- Go through the list together, revealing if that kink is a yes, no or a maybe for you. Remember, you don’t have to be too literal. If, for example, you both find age-gap fantasies arousing but you practically share a birthday, you can explore them through roleplay.
- When you’re both open to exploring a kink, write that down. This will create your to-do list.
3. Focus on play
The word “play” gets used a lot within kink communities. Keep it in mind when you begin exploring your desires. Focus on being light-hearted, fun, joyful, and open-minded. Yes, things might feel embarrassing at times. They might get chilly. There might be squelching noises or costumes you didn’t expect, but that’s all part of the experience. It’s fine to get the giggles or pause because you’ve got cramp. Kinks are, at their heart, sexual improv.
For instance, if your partner’s fantasy is to be seduced by a vampire, they’re not expecting you to put on a performance worthy of Twilight. They just want the experience of feeling torn between fear and lust, seduced against their will by a sexy, mysterious stranger. You can bring as much or as little as you like to the role, but you’ll both find it sexiest if you throw yourself into it. Do an accent, even if it makes you both laugh. Whip a cloak up out of a sheet, if their fantasy is based on Dracula. Stay in character; when you see your partner getting turned on, it’ll inspire you to Oscar-winning heights.
Find a fun starter activity
Go through your to-do list and find a few simple activities to get you going. Roleplay is usually the easiest. Choose roles you can have fun with, like boss/employee, or hot burglar.
Play these roles at the start of your next session. Don’t feel you have to stay in character unless you want to. Just try stepping into a sexy alter ego.
Afterwards, discuss what you most enjoyed. Use that insight to plan your next kinky action. As you build confidence and trust together, you can slowly explore more extreme desires.
4. Find inspiration together
When you’re comfortable talking about your kinks, they can become a sexy shared hobby. Forget catching up on Masterchef, you two could be setting up a dungeon in your conservatory, or buying a sex swing… At the very least you could be watching films (including porn) that include your kinks or reading books together that explore each of your naughty niches.
The benefit of making sex a shared hobby is that it keeps it uppermost in your mind. In long relationships, sex can become relegated to the last five minutes of the day, postponed, or forgotten. When you turn passion into a passion, you’ll naturally have more sex. Much, much more sex.
Indulge each other’s kinks
- Become as invested in your partner’s kinks as you are in your own. Indulge them. Come across a film that touches on their kink? Buy two tickets. See a costume in a charity shop that might suit their fantasy? Buy it. This is how you become the only person in the world who truly understands them.
- Learn about sex together. Try workshops or classes, then practise on each other. These don’t have to be purely about your kinks, they could be about oral sex and foreplay or Tantra, too.
- Read erotica, or – even hotter – write your own. Co-write a sexy fantasy, where you each put your fantasies down on paper. Self-publish it anonymously, or just keep it for your own private library.
5. Be patient
You’re not going to transform your relationship from vanilla to tutti frutti overnight. It will take time to build trust and ditch any shame or embarrassment. A lot of our kinks come from early childhood experiences, which can be deeply buried.
If you can’t seem to find your kinks or find the courage to bring them out into the open, that’s something to explore in sex therapy. (You can find expert sex therapists via the College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists here.)
But you can also focus on enjoying the journey into kink. Even pushing your existing sex life a tiny bit towards kinky will pay dividends. It’ll kick you out of a rut, and give you ideas to spice up your repertoire.
Remember: if your partner suggests a kink that you’re really not interested in, you never have to say yes. Kink is founded on consent. Try to find a compromise you’re happy with, or explore their fantasy to see if you can play with it in a different way. Or just say no.
Take your time
Explore solo kinks. While you’re working up to sharing your more unusual desires, you can still indulge them by yourself. You could invite your partner to take a passive role, or just watch. They might find your arousal turns them on so much they want to join in.
Try to improve your sex life by just 1% a week. Exploring exhibitionism doesn’t have to begin with attending a live sex party; try just moving your bed slightly closer to the window. Instead of acting out a fantasy, just talk about it while you’re making love as usual.
Remember after play. At the end of every sex session, take time to cuddle, kiss and talk to each other lovingly. The closer you feel emotionally, the more open you can be sexually, so nurture your connection.
Simple steps into the most popular kinks
Want to get started right away? Try these tips…
- Sensation play. Use different textures to touch each other. Stroke each other with feathers, silk, ice, lube, and oil, or try light scratching. Experiment with blindfolds to heighten the sensations.
- Role-play and fantasy. Pick a playful scenario and set up an “encounter” by meeting in a hotel or bar. Are you planning to secure that job by taking your interview to hot heights? Are you two Hollywood actors taking on a chemistry screen test?
- Bondage. Start with something simple, maybe using handcuffs or soft scarves tied around the wrists. If your bed has a headboard, you can tie one another to that. Play with spanking, using your hand or a paddle. Establish a safe word first.
- Voyeurism and exhibitionism. You needn’t risk public decency offences. Even the slightest feeling of voyeurism (watching) or exhibitionism (being seen) can be thrilling. Leave the bedroom door open, use mirrors, or do it in the garden.
Final thoughts…
It’s easy to get started with kinks, and they can improve your relationship’s intimacy and closeness. Take your time, keep it light, and have fun.
For more tips, check out our article: 19 easy ways to spice up your sex life over 50.
