If you haven’t dated for a while, it’s easy to assume that the rules of dating may have changed in your absence. In one of my favourite scenes from Sleepless in Seattle, Tom Hanks’ character, Sam, is back on the dating scene after losing his wife, and is given an update on how modern dating works…
“Things are a little different now. First, you have to be friends. You have to like each other. Then you neck. This could go on for years. Then you have tests, and then you get to do it with a condom. The good news is, you split the check.”
But, do you?
That classic movie is now 31 years old, but the question of whether or not you split the check still isn’t clear. And that uncertainty can cause an awkward moment on an otherwise lovely first date.
“He said he’d text me his bank details”
Julie, 60, had enjoyed a great first date with a man she’d met online. They’d had drinks in a bar, then stayed on for a meal. Julie excused herself to use the loo towards the end of the evening and came back to find her date had paid the bill.
“I thought that was a lovely gesture and I thanked him warmly, but as we left the bar, he handed me the receipt. I looked at it, confused, and he said he’d text me his bank details so I could transfer him my share.”
“The bill sat between us like an unexploded landmine”
Mark, 58, says he doesn’t mind paying for first dates. “I have a good job and I’m comfortable. But it’s nice when a woman offers to pay or does that little grab towards her handbag.
“I had a date recently where the woman ignored the bill completely. It sat between us on the table like an unexploded landmine. When I said I’d pay, she barely gave me a smile. I felt like I was being taken for granted.”
The cost of dating
How much your date costs can influence how enthusiastically you reach for the bill. Rising costs mean the hospitality industry is having to hike prices up, so the average dinner for two has risen 30% since 2021.
You can’t even escape inflation by taking your date to McDonalds. The price of a Mayo Chicken burger has gone up 40% in the past year. And cafes might soon be a luxury destination as experts predict the £5 coffee will be standard in 2025. Gulp.
A survey by Aqua last year also found more than half (54%) of singles say they’ve given up dating due to the current financial climate. Others are continuing to date, but tightening their belt. The same survey found Baby Boomers are now spending £30 on average on a date, rather than their preferred budget of £41.
If you’re determined to keep dating despite the costs, let’s discuss your options for dealing with the bill.
Note: Some of the options below are relevant only to heterosexual relationships. For same-sex relationships, things are often more balanced. According to a survey by Match, the majority of LGBTQ singles say that whoever initiated the date should pay (62%) or they play it safe and always split the bill (44%). Many couples also take it in turns to pay. If you’re in a same-sex relationship, you can skip straight to the modern option, below.
The traditional option – the man pays for the first date
You might be surprised to know that this is actually the preferred option for many men. In a 2019 survey of 300,000 singles, 63% of men believed that it was their responsibility to pick up the bill on the first date, while just 7% felt they should go Dutch.
The same survey found that 46% of women believed the man should pay, compared to 18% who’d prefer to split.
Benefits of the traditional option
- Clear expectations – Men paying the first-date bill is often still seen as the norm, especially if you’re over 50. Sticking to this tried and tested formula can be the easiest and most straightforward thing to do, as long as you both hold the same traditional views.
- Chivalrous – Paying the bill can let men demonstrate their generosity. It can also showcase a protective, ‘provider’ nature.
- Reflects the gender pay gap – While the UK’s gender pay gap is the smallest since reporting began, women are still only paid 91p for every £1 a man earns.
Drawbacks of the traditional option
- Financial burden for the man – Paying for dates can quickly add up, especially if men are going on several first dates every month.
- Outdated gender stereotypes – Does it make sense to start a relationship on an unequal footing?
- A feeling of being in debt – Some women dislike feeling that they owe the man anything, especially if he’s someone they don’t really know.
The modern option – you split the bill or take turns
Going Dutch is another choice, and one you might prefer to take on a first date. Instead of one person swallowing the costs of the date, you can either split the bill 50/50, each pay for what you had, or agree to take turns paying for dates.
You might also take turns during the date, with one person buying the drinks, and another picking up the cinema tickets, dessert, or parking.
Benefits of the modern option
- You start on an equal footing – Each of you gets the opportunity to feel respected and valued for your generosity.
- Reduced pressure – Sharing the costs alleviates the financial burden on one person.
- Bigger budget – Splitting the bill can give you a bigger budget, meaning you could enjoy a longer date or a pricier venue.
Drawbacks of the modern option
- Ambiguity – Without clear communication, deciding who pays can be uncomfortable.
- You might not have a second date – Telling your date, “I’ll get the next one,” is a sweet way to signal your interest in seeing them again. But if they don’t want to meet again, that might spark an awkward conversation.
- It sends mixed signals – Some people interpret going Dutch as a lack of interest.
The radical option – the woman pays for the first date
In our ever-more equal world, it’s surprising that this is still unusual. But it is. In the survey cited earlier, less than 2% of men said they’d prefer the woman to pay, and only 5% of women wanted to pay.
Benefits of the radical option
- Allows for blurring of stereotypes – If you’re a woman who prefers pursuing a partner and taking the lead in relationships, picking up the tab is a strong way to signal this.
- Suits financially unequal couples – Of course, being male doesn’t mean you have more money. Divorce, child maintenance, and retirement can all impact a man’s finances, meaning he has less to spend than his partner.
Drawbacks of the radical option
- It can signal disinterest – Instead of seeing generosity as a sign of passion, some men may interpret fierce independence as a lack of interest.
- It can be expensive – Just as it can for men, paying for lots of first dates can impact a woman’s budget.
Which option do you really prefer?
Before you go on a date, it might help to consider which of these options would best suit your personality and expectations. The truth might surprise you. For example, in my 20s, I prided myself on being a fiercely independent woman making her own way in the world.
When I had my first date with my first husband, I slammed down my debit card before he could tear open the Velcro on his wallet. I wanted him to respect me and my earning powers, and for us to be equals.
I was so unhappy in that marriage. I never felt cherished. Over the years I resented having to be an equal provider (especially after we had children) and sharing the responsibility of making every decision.
With my second husband, I took a backseat. I let him decide where we’d go for our first date, and let him pay. I thanked him warmly, but I wasn’t just thanking him for his generosity – I was thanking him for giving me an evening where I didn’t have to make any decisions. It was the best gift he could’ve given me.
I had less control, but I had less stress too. Today we have a joint bank account but we’re still more old fashioned than I’d have expected.
So, what suits you? To find out, you can ponder these questions.
- Would you rather be cherished for your feelings than respected for your thoughts?
- Would you like it if your partner planned a holiday for the two of you; taking your wishes into consideration, but deciding all the details themselves?
- Do you enjoy it when your partner makes the first move?
It’s not scientific, but answering yes to these questions suggests you might be happier if your date paid. But responding with three big fat “nope’s” might reveal that you prefer to remain in charge, financially and romantically.
How to handle the first-date bill
With all that in mind, how should you react when the waiting staff drop the bill on the table? Here are some suggestions for minimising the cringe…
Discuss the options beforehand
The earlier you can agree on this topic, hopefully, the less awkwardness you’ll feel on the date. Try opening a conversation about it early on to see where you both stand. For example, “I think it’s fair to split the bill. What are your thoughts on this?”
If in doubt, offer to split
People who prefer to pay will likely still appreciate their date offering to go Dutch. “Shall we split this?” opens the conversation but it also puts the decision onto your partner. I’d try a more neutral line like, “I’m comfortable going halves.”
Be gracious
If your date insists on paying, remember to say thank you. It’s also lovely to be appreciative of the experience. Mentioning how much you enjoyed the meal/coffee/drink makes your thanks even more charming.
Don’t ask for money later
If you pay for the evening but your date later declines to see you again, don’t ask for their share of the bill. (I know you wouldn’t, but it’s becoming more popular.)
Avoid paying in secret
Some dates try to impress by paying the bill in secret, perhaps by excusing themselves to go to the bathroom and then cornering the waiter. This is sweet, but probably best saved for a later date. Give your partner the option to split the bill, in case they’d feel more comfortable.
If you’re going Dutch, have the waiter split the bill
It’s easier for you both to pay at the time, rather than one person transferring money to the other later. Simply ask your waiter to divide the bill before you pay.
Stick to reasonable choices
If you haven’t discussed who’s picking up the tab, it’s polite to choose standard options, rather than expensive meals or top-of-the-list wines. If you really want a particularly spendy item, be clear you’ll be paying.
Offer to pay on a future date
As well as showcasing your generosity, this option lets you open the topic of seeing each other again. If you’d love to go on another date, you could say something like: “Thank you, I’d love to get the next one. Maybe we could go to that exhibition/film/venue you mentioned?”
Final thoughts…
Money will always be a hot-topic among couples. A recent survey found that 20% of couples argue about money on a daily basis. But navigating that first bill gives you a chance to make your first financial decision together.
By using charm, appreciation, and compromise, you should be able to get through the process smoothly. And then you’ll be well set for your second date.
To minimise the financial stress, why not check out our suggestions for 20 affordable date ideas?
Who do you think should pay on the first date? We’d be interested to hear from you in the comments below.
