Losing someone or something that we love or care about is one of the greatest challenges life can throw at us. The pain of grief can be so overwhelming that simply putting one foot in front of the other can feel like an impossible task.
Grief has no rule book, and it rarely follows a straight path. Even so, there are healthy, meaningful steps you can take to help yourself cope – and gradually adapt to life after loss. We’ll explore some of these below.
What is grief?
Grief is a natural, normal response to loss that we’ll all experience at some stage in our lives.
It describes the painful emotions we feel when we lose someone or something that we care about deeply – for example, a friend or relative, a job or career, or a romantic relationship. These feelings can be overwhelming, and you might initially wonder if they’ll ever pass.
The range of emotions experienced by someone who’s grieving can vary, and it’s important to remember that there’s no right or wrong way to feel. Some people report feelings of shock, sadness, anger, and guilt. Others might find themselves going through a period of denial, where they’re unable to fully accept what’s happened. Your loss is personal to you, so remember that no matter what you’re feeling, your emotions are valid.
For several decades, psychologists have attempted to explain the grieving process by using a five-stage model. This describes the stages of grief as: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. The model isn’t perfect, as it can’t predict exactly how the grieving process will be for everyone. But it might provide comfort by helping you make sense of your emotions and see the light at the end of the tunnel.
You can read more about the five stages of grief in this article by Verywell Mind.
How can grieving affect daily life?
The painful emotions associated with grief can take a toll on your mental health.
You might find little pleasure in things that you would normally enjoy – like reading, watching TV, or socialising. Some people also say they experience grief in waves, meaning they can go through a rollercoaster of emotions daily. This can be mentally taxing, so if you’re grieving, you might feel more tired than usual.
Grief can also impact your physical health if you’re finding it difficult to sleep, eat, and exercise as you normally would. Some people also engage in destructive habits, such as drinking or smoking, to try to cope with the pain they’re feeling.
What can I do to help myself cope with grief and loss?
In the same way that there’s no right or wrong way to feel when you experience a loss, there’s also no ‘right’ way to deal with grief.
However, there are a few healthy coping mechanisms you could try that might help.
Acknowledge how you feel
Grief can be devastating, and it’s not uncommon for people to suppress or ignore feelings associated with it to try to cope.
While this might offer temporary relief, negative feelings that aren’t acknowledged or processed can resurface later. This can prolong the grieving process, making it more difficult to move forward.
Heavy drinking, anxiety, and depression are some of the issues that can arise as a result of unresolved grief – so it’s important to try to acknowledge your feelings, as tricky as this might be.
Some people find it easier to write them down on paper. You could start by writing or saying, “Today, I feel [sadness]. My feelings are valid, and I have every right to feel [sad].” It’s generally much easier to stop running from your feelings once you can identify and validate them. It’s often shame, embarrassment, and/or a feeling that we should just get on with things that prevent us from doing this.
For help putting your thoughts and feelings down on paper, you might find our article, The power of journaling as a life habit, useful.
Find a healthy outlet for your emotions
Once you’ve acknowledged your feelings, it can be helpful to find a way to express them tangibly or creatively. This is where a journal can be useful, as some people find it beneficial to put their feelings on paper.
This could be in the form of a letter to the person close to you who has died, or perhaps a poem. If writing isn’t your thing, you could try making a scrapbook, a photo album, or even painting to help harness positive memories of who or what you’ve lost.
Exercise can also be a great way to release feelings of frustration and anger. This is because it triggers the release of endorphins (happy hormones), which, along with the physical exertion, can help you feel calmer and more relaxed afterwards.
Be patient and give yourself time
Grief can’t be rushed, and the time that it takes someone to move through the process can vary. If you find yourself grieving for a longer or shorter time than other people, this is okay.
Time is one of the biggest healers when it comes to grief, so it’s important to be kind to yourself and allow yourself as much time as you need to work through it fully.
Try to carry on with activities you enjoy
Although difficult, many people find that maintaining a routine and re-engaging with activities they enjoy can act as a distraction and help ease the grief. At first, you might not feel like doing anything at all, which is completely normal.
If you’re grieving the loss of a loved one, you might also feel guilty at the thought of enjoying yourself without them. This, too, is normal. However, remember that life does carry on, you do deserve to be happy again, and your loved one would want you to do things that bring you joy.
When you first try to enjoy the activities that you used to, or return to your normal daily routine, you might feel as though you’re just going through the motions. This is okay, and it’s important not to rush yourself to feel anything other than what you feel at the time. Just the fact that you are giving it a go can offer you hope that one day you might enjoy life again.
Forgive yourself
When you’ve lost someone or something you love, you might find yourself going back over the past and thinking about what you should have said to someone who’s no longer here, or what you could have done differently to keep a job you’ve been made redundant from.
As you process the pain of your loss, try to forgive yourself for the things that you feel you should have done. This will become easier as you move through the pain and come to terms with your loss.
If you’re finding it difficult to focus on the here and now because you’re distracted by what could have been, mindfulness is worth considering. In a nutshell, to stay mindful means focusing solely on the present by concentrating on your immediate surroundings.
We’ve written an introductory guide to mindfulness with tips on getting started.
Reach out to others
Time alone to process your feelings can be helpful, but reaching out to others and talking about how you’re feeling can help with grief, too.
For example, you might find it beneficial to celebrate and remember the life of a loved one who has passed away by talking to others. If the other person knew them as well, perhaps you could swap positive memories.
There’s no shame in struggling to cope on your own. Reaching out to a friend or family member to ask for support can help you take a step forward in the grieving process.
If you’ve lost someone, find healthy ways to stay connected with them
Although an important part of grief is about one day being able to move on, this doesn’t mean that you’ll forget the person who has died. People who have loved and lost someone often say the pain becomes less intense over time, but that the memories of the person stay with them forever.
Sometimes, the fear of forgetting someone or of memories fading can prolong the grieving process, as people fear losing the memories they shared. For this reason, it can be helpful to find healthy ways to stay connected to your loved one.
This could involve creating a memory box full of photos and other items that remind you of them, or writing down meaningful memories while they’re fresh in your mind.
Don’t let anyone else tell you how you should be feeling
While it can be a good thing to reach out to friends and family when you’re dealing with grief, never let anyone else tell you what you should think or how you should feel about your loss.
We all grieve differently, and having someone tell you that you should be feeling X when you’re feeling Y can make you feel like your emotions aren’t valid. It’s then easy to end up stuck in a battle with yourself over what you’re actually feeling and what you’re being told you should feel.
Grieving itself is difficult enough, without having the added burden of feeling like you’re doing it wrong.
Look after yourself
Even if you don’t feel like it, try to make a conscious effort to sleep and wake at reasonable times, eat healthy, balanced meals, and exercise when you can.
Grief can make you feel as though these things are pointless. But neglecting your health can intensify grief and make it much more difficult to move through the healing process.
Join a support group
Joining a support group can give you a chance to talk to others who are going through similar experiences. Sharing tips and advice, or simply listening to others, can help you feel less alone and reassure you that your experiences are normal.
Bereavement.co.uk is an online service that provides a community for people experiencing bereavement. It includes a Facebook group, a support forum, and a live chat room. Each of these services helps people connect with others who are dealing with similar emotions so they can support one another.
Other resources that might help…
- If you’d like to speak to someone non-judgemental and impartial about how you’re feeling, you could try contacting Cruse Bereavement Care on 0808 808 1677.
- Sleep can significantly impact how we feel mentally and physically. For tips and advice on how to improve your sleeping patterns, visit our sleep and fatigue section.
- The NHS has several mental wellbeing audio guides designed to help boost mood.
- If you’re experiencing feelings of hopelessness and/or desperation, volunteers at Samaritans and Silver Line are available to offer a listening ear and some kind words 24/7. Contact Samaritans on 116 123 or Silver Line on 0800 470 8090.
What to do if your grief doesn’t get better
There’s no set grieving period, and, naturally, some people will grieve for longer than others.
However, if you find that you’re unable to accept your loss, constantly blaming yourself, or finding it difficult to continue everyday activities for a prolonged period, you might need access to professional help.
If you’re feeling this way, it’s worth phoning up your local GP practice and finding out what help could be available to you.
Have you come through loss or grief? Do you have any additional suggestions that might help others in their grieving? We’d be interested to hear from you in the comments below.
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