There’s no right or wrong answer to this question. If you’re currently wrestling with your decision (or your zip), I can’t give you a definitive yes or no answer on when’s the right time to sleep with someone. But I can ask a series of questions to guide you towards your own answer.
Note: this is a longish article, so I wouldn’t suggest you read it while your partner waits expectantly on the chaise longue for a Ceaser-esque thumbs up or thumbs down. Having sex is a choice you need to make for yourself, alone and calm, when you’re not being distracted by loneliness or lust.
We’ll start with the three most important questions. These all have health implications, so are the most important.
Are you both free from sexually transmitted infections?
I know this isn’t the sexiest question. But hopefully, you’ll thank me for pouring cold water on your passion if it turns out that one of you is unknowingly carrying an STI.
Forget those terrifying photos we were shown in sex education classes at school, of warts, rashes, and sores. Many STIs including HIV, HPV, hepatitis B, trichomoniasis, and chlamydia often present no symptoms at all. Even herpes is difficult to detect, as sores can easily be mistaken for ingrowing hairs.
STIs become more of a risk with age because – research shows – you’re less likely to use contraception, including condoms. This explains why rates of STIs are fast increasing in daters over 45, and new HIV infections among people over 50 are rising faster than in people under 40.
So, before you get naked, it’s best to get tested and have annual check-ups.
How to get an STI test
There are several different ways to get an STI test…
- You can see your GP.
- The NHS and Brook run sexual health clinics across the UK where you can be tested in person. These are best if you have symptoms (for example, a rash, discharge, or pain).
- Many NHS Trusts offer free at-home testing kits. You can only use these if you’re symptom-free.
- You can buy at-home testing kits online from Fettle – or in-store or online from chemists including Superdrug and Boots. Again, these are for people who are symptom-free.
Are you exclusive?
If you’re not sure whether you and your partner are exclusive – are you open with each other about your other partners, and honest about your STI protection?
As we’ve so erotically discussed, STIs are difficult to detect. If you aren’t in an exclusive sexual relationship, you’re (technically) having sex with each other’s partners, too, which makes your risk of infection much, much higher.
It’s emotionally risky too. If you become oxytocin-bonded to your partner, the thought of them having sex, even dates, with other people could be upsetting. Are you ready for that?
With all that said, try to avoid the temptation to negotiate your relationship status in the bedroom. If you’d like to be exclusive, it’s usually better to talk about it when you’re both still fully clothed. If you don’t yet feel comfortable enough to discuss it, or you’re worried you’ll seem a bit keen, I’d suggest those are other good reasons to wait. Sex is intimate, and it’ll be so much more passionate when you’re both feeling the same levels of desire and commitment.
Is sex a mutual decision?
Younger generations seem to talk about consent more than older generations. But the topic applies to anyone in a relationship, whether you’re hooking up at university or walking home from the garden centre with your long-term squeeze.
Sexual coercion is illegal in the UK and is defined as ‘the act of using pressure, alcohol or drugs, or force to have sexual contact with someone against his or her will’. It also includes ‘persistent attempts to have sexual contact with someone who has already refused’.
If anyone forces, or attempts to force, you into any kind of sexual activity, please contact the police on 999.
But sexual coercion can be stealthy too. People can use many different methods to persuade you to have sex against your will. So, be on your guard for behaviour that looks like…
- Making you feel obliged to have sex because they’ve treated you nicely, paid for dinner, or bought you a gift.
- Trying to charm you into sex by paying compliments that don’t ring true.
- Not taking no for an answer.
- Reacting negatively (sulking, ignoring you, causing arguments, leaving) if you refuse.
- Making it a prerequisite to being in a relationship with them.
- Making you feel threatened or scared to say no.
Remember that, if you feel uncomfortable, something is wrong. You might want to talk to a helpful support line for more information.
The Rape Crisis Centre
Confidential emotional support, information and referral details are available 24/7 via phone or live chat. Visit: www.rapecrisis.org.uk.
National Male Survivor Helpline
A confidential phone, text, live chat and email service for male victims of sexual violence and abuse. Telephone: 0808 800 5005. Email: [email protected]. Text: 07860 065187
Galop
Specialist helpline for LGBT+ victims of sexual assault, abuse or violence. Visit: https://galop.org.uk
Victim Support
Operates a free, confidential 24/7 phone and live-chat service for anyone who’s been a victim of crime, or a witness. Visit: https://www.victimsupport.org.uk/
Once you’re sure that you’re going to be safe and healthy after sex, we can get into the other important questions to ask yourself. These deal with your emotional wellbeing.
Have you reached a level of commitment you’re happy with?
Sex often hits pause on a relationship’s progression. One minute you’re talking about meeting each other’s friends and becoming Facebook official. Next, you’re rolling around on the mattress…and that’s where you stay for the next few months. Sex can make you both so relaxed, satisfied, and content with the status quo that there’s less of an incentive to move things on.
If you’re happy with things as they are, go ahead – hit the bedroom and enjoy yourself. Research suggests many daters over 50 aren’t hoping for marriage or cohabitation and are happy to keep a relationship non-committal.
But if you’d prefer to feel more secure or are looking for more commitment, my advice would be to reach that stage before sex. This means continuing to have fun and going on dates, but letting sex be the icing on the cake, and not the first ingredient.
Do you usually stay cool, calm, and collected after sex?
It can be useful to think back over your previous relationships. Were you able to stay emotionally detached and rational after you’d had sex – especially very good sex – with a new partner? Or did you tend to feel needy and/or overlook their flaws once you’d hit the sheets?
We’re not all sexually aggressive Samanthas from Sex And The City. Some of us (even men) are Charlottes – and the reason is oxytocin.
When we have sex, women and men both release oxytocin, known as the ‘bonding hormone’. Oxytocin causes that warm, cosy afterglow by boosting feelings of trust and affection between a couple. We don’t all release the same amount. The more you release, the clingier you’ll feel, and the more emotionally bonded you’ll become.
Interestingly, oxytocin’s bonding effects can be neutralised by other hormones (including testosterone), too, which makes it even more unpredictable.
If you have a history of feeling like the power balance shifts away from you after sex, consider holding back for a few more dates. Settle into a safe, secure relationship where you feel consistently loved, before moving on to the action.
Other questions to ask yourself
These questions are to help you understand how you’re feeling about yourself and your partner. The better you know yourself and what you want before you have sex, the more satisfying and enjoyable it’ll be.
Are they a good choice of partner?
I’m not saying that you’re in a state of sheer, blind lust…but, just in case, ask yourself: is the person you’re thinking of sleeping with someone you’ll be happy waking up to tomorrow morning? Do you feel excited and adored? Do you like, trust and respect them? Or, if you’re thinking of this as a fun fling, do they know that and feel the same?
For more help, check out our list of 12 subtle green flags to look for when dating someone new.
Are you comfortable with your body?
Many of us over 50 lose confidence in our naked selves. Ageing, illness, or simply doing less exercise can all impact how we feel in bed, especially with a new partner we’re keen to arouse. Body confidence isn’t essential to great sex, but it can turn your experience from so-so to so-hot!
For more help, have a read of these 15 things you can do to start loving and accepting your body.
Have you found a way to manage any menopausal symptoms that might affect your sex life?
Menopause symptoms like vaginal dryness, lowered desire, mood swings or decreased sensitivity can all kick in when oestrogen levels start to plummet. They can have an impact on how much you enjoy sex, and how often you’re able to have it. Before you leap onto the eiderdown, consider making sure everything is in balance first.
Our article, 7 ways to improve your sex life during and after menopause, offers support with this.
Final thoughts…
There’s no magical number of dates before you know you’re ready to have sex with someone new. Some couples are ready before they’ve finished the first drink, others need nearly a year. It’s a very personal choice and depends a lot on who you’re dating. But in general, if you can say yes to these questions, you’re also safe to say yes, yes, YES in the bedroom…
- Are you both free from sexually transmitted infections?
- Are you exclusive?
- Is sex a mutual decision?
- Have you reached a level of commitment you’re happy with?
- Do you usually stay cool, calm and collected after sex?
- Are they a good choice of partner?
- Are you comfortable with your body?
- Have you sorted out any menopausal symptoms that might affect your sex life?
What are your thoughts about when to have sex with someone new? We’d be interested to hear from you in the comments below.
