Many couples find it easy to sort out their differences, but others struggle, particularly around money.
Some may simply not communicate with each other enough about their finances, which could store up problems later on. Here are some tips on how to reduce the potential for conflict and make more constructive decisions – between you – about your financial future.
You and your partner earn very different amounts but split the bills 50:50
If you take home £1800 a month but your partner earns twice that, splitting the bills 50:50 can be an easy route from simmering resentment to explosive rows.
The fairest way is usually for each of you to pay according to what you earn. If your partner can’t recognise that it’s unfair for you to pay the same when you earn a lot less than he or she does, there may be other problems in the relationship as well. If you have only recently started living with your partner, you should sort out how you split the household costs before it becomes a serious source of friction.
Your partner earns more than you do and feels this gives the right to make all the financial decisions
For whatever reason, some people feel that earning more than their partner means they should be in the driving seat when it comes to money. But it’s not the best way to run your finances; you should each have an equal say.
You may feel that the issue is finance-related, but the control may not end there. Often the problems often have their roots elsewhere in the relationship and it just comes to a head over the finances. If your partner digs in his or her heels and won’t listen to you, it may be time to get an impartial professional (such as an independent financial adviser or Relate counsellor) involved.
Your partner has got into trouble over debts and expects you to bail them out
In an ideal world, you’d discuss what would happen before your partner got into debt, but it may be too late for that. What you need to work out is how to deal with any debts your partner has now and whose name they are in. If your name is on the credit agreement, the debt company will come after you if the debts aren’t paid.
However, try not to get into a pattern of bailing out your partner every time they run out of money. If one of you always has some money put by, this may lead to an expectation that the saver will always pay out and cover the debt. However, if your partner’s paying a hefty interest rate on loans or credit cards (and can’t swap to a low rate or 0% credit card), it may make good financial sense to help pay off the debt as soon as possible, but with a clear message that this is a one-off.
You want a joint account, but your partner wants you to keep your money separate
How you mix your money is really up to you. But the signs are that more couples are choosing to keep at least some of their money separate, with a joint account for bills and separate accounts for their own spending.
If there’s no joint account, that can work as long as you’re both open about your money, and one of you isn’t using your account to hide money or debts from the other. If your partner had a relationship in the past where having a joint account caused problems, they could be reluctant to go for a joint account this time round. With any joint account you are each responsible for any debt or overdraft (not just your ‘half’). You might therefore decide to have a joint account just for joint outgoings such as your mortgage or rent, and to keep separate accounts for everything else.
Your partner wants to invest money in risky shares or speculative investments
Men are naturally more comfortable taking some risk with money they invest than women, but whatever your gender, you and your partner may have very different ideas about what counts as risky.
If your partner wants to gamble with your financial future you should be concerned and let them know you are not prepared to accept this. If they want to risk some of their own money, then it’s a different matter. You might, however, want to suggest that they seek professional advice first as hearing the risks explained by someone independent may make them think twice.
If you’re worried in particular about whether their retirement savings could be at risk, it’s worth discussing the impact this could have on the amount of income they receive when they stop work. Find out more in our article Where is my pension invested?
If you or they want personal recommendations about where to invest your retirement savings, you or they’ll need to seek professional financial advice. You can find a local financial advisor on VouchedFor or Unbiased, or for more information, check out our guides on How to find the right financial advisor for you or How to get advice on your pension.
If you’re thinking about getting independent financial advice, financial services company Fidelius is offering Rest Less members a free initial consultation with an independent financial advisor to chat about your finances, where you are now, and where you want to go.
There’s no obligation, but if they feel you’d benefit from paid financial advice, they’ll go over how that works and the charges involved. Fidelius is rated 4.7/5 from over 1,000 reviews on VouchedFor, the review site for financial advisors.
You’re a saver but your partner is a spender
If you regularly squirrel cash away for the future, but your partner is much keener on spending rather than saving money, this can quickly lead to resentment.
Again, communication is key, so let your partner know if you’re worried about their spending, or suggest ways they might be able to start putting a bit of money away each month. Our articles Top money-saving apps and How setting a savings goal can help you reach it might help encourage them to start the savings habit.
If you’re concerned in particular about the level of retirement savings they have, it may be a good idea to discuss your financial expectations when you both stop work, and to think carefully about how much income you’re likely to need. Find out more in our guide Can you afford to retire?