You’re with your ideal match, but the only problem is they spend money like it’s going out of fashion. What should you do?
Opposites attract, so the saying goes, but is that true of the way you handle money? We already know that conflict over cash is one of the most common reasons for couples to break up and – although there hasn’t been masses of research into how easy couples find it to talk about finances – insurer Scottish Widows did look into this subject a few years ago.
Their research found that one in five Brits are in a financially incompatible relationship. According to the survey of more than 3,500 couples – both living together, living separately and those who are married – almost a fifth (17%) admitted they wished they had discussed finances earlier on in their relationship. More than a third (34%) of divorcees cited persistent financial worries as a reason they broke up.
Here, we look at some of the ways you might be able to become better aligned with your partner when it comes to managing your money.
Establishing your attitudes to money
If you already know that you think money is for spending and your partner thinks it’s for saving – or vice versa – the first stage is to break down your differences.
If you’re financially incompatible, then you’re unlikely to have any shared financial aspirations and will usually have different attitudes to spending and saving, which can cause friction in your relationship.
When the 2008 recession kicked in, the relationship advice service Relate experienced a sharp increase in the number of couples who wanted counselling where money was a factor in their relationship problems.
In a number of cases, the fact that money was tight highlighted problems that had been masked when money wasn’t a problem. Having less money can put a huge strain on any relationship, but in some cases it was the first time the couple realised they had held such different views.
Try to compromise
You don’t have to have identical money management styles for your relationship to thrive (which is probably just as well!). What you need to be able to do is work out where you’re happy to agree to disagree.
Many relationships work – both emotionally and financially – even though both partners have very different money habits. If you’re the type of person who loves to hit the shops when you have cash to spare whereas your partner prefers to visit the bank to top up their savings account, it doesn’t have to be a problem (as long as you’re not spending more than you can afford). If you find it hard to keep an eye on your spending, then it may be a good idea to establish a budget which you both agree to stick to. Find out more about how to go about this in our guide How to make a budget and stick to it.
Be prepared to talk about areas where you don’t agree
If you can talk about why you have different money ideas, it often makes the differences easier to accept. Many of us get important lessons in money from our parents, even if we don’t realise it. For example, if you grew up in a household where money was no object, you may find it hard to rein in your spending now. On the other hand, if your parents were often in debt, you may feel insecure unless you have some money in the bank.
Talking about your differences may be easier said than done. A common area of conflict is if one partner thinks their spending is ‘better’ than their partner’s. For example, you may prefer to spend money on doing up your home (and may think that buying a new sofa is a necessity whereas your partner may think it’s an extravagance), whereas your partner may prioritise their spending on their hobby.
Work out a plan for problem areas in advance
If your partner has a tendency to overspend, make sure you’re not expected to pick up the pieces afterwards.
Don’t agree to keep bailing your partner out every time they get into debt. You should each take responsibility for the financial decisions you make. If your partner has debt problems (even if it’s just a missed or late payment), it could affect your credit score if you have any joint loans. Find out more about this in our article Is my credit score affected by my partner?
Finally…
Remember that you don’t have to be on exactly the same page when it comes to how you and your partner manage your finances, but it’s vital to keep communicating about money matters if you want to avoid conflict.
A spokesman for Scottish Widows, said: “It’s important that couples – at any age – have open and honest conversations about their finances to make sure they have an understanding of their individual longer term financial goals.
“Some people may be more inclined to focus financial conversations on big life events like buying a house, or taking time out from work to travel together. Life after retirement should also be on this list; having a good understanding – early on – of each other’s retirement goals will help to ensure couples can work towards a realistic joint financial plan.”
Find out more about talking about your finances with your partner so you can help reduce the chances of conflict in our article 10 conversations to have with your partner about money.