When it comes to relationships, many of us are focused on finding someone who we are not only attracted to but who also shares our values, life goals, and who fits in with our friends and family.
However, there’s another crucial (if rather unromantic) ingredient to a successful long-term relationship: your approach to your finances. After all, money impacts on many major life decisions, such as where you live, your lifestyle, and when you retire, for starters, so it’s important that you’re on the same page with your partner.
Here are 10 conversations about money that you might want to consider having with your partner to boost your chances of long-term happiness as a couple.
Contents
- What are our money goals?
- What are our ‘ground rules’?
- How did you handle money in previous relationships?
- How are we going to combine finances?
- What are your money worries?
- Should we schedule money check-ins?
- When do you want to stop working?
- How much do we need to save for retirement?
- What about worst-case scenarios?
- Should we seek further help?
- Eight tips for having difficult money conversations with a partner
1. What are our money goals?
Talking about your financial goals gives you an understanding of what’s important to each other, and can draw you closer, says Fanny Snaith, money coach. “After all, money is part of what we care about in life, from buying a home to providing security for ourselves and our family,” she says. You can find some examples of money goals in our article What are your financial resolutions?
Different goals aren’t necessarily a deal breaker, but having a conversation around what you truly want in life can help you to get a better understanding of each other, and find a compromise so you’re both happy and fulfilled. It can also be a stepping stone to setting realistic savings targets together towards, say, if you’re planning home improvements, a holiday, or retirement.
2. What are our ‘ground rules’?
Working out some ground rules together can be a great way to set expectations about how you’ll manage your finances as a couple. For example, you might agree on a set spending limit from a joint account for a single transaction, and if one of you intends to spend more than this, you’ll have to run the purchase past your partner.
Setting boundaries like this can make you both feel more relaxed that your joint spending will be carefully managed. Agreements may also include how much you each contribute as a minimum into shared accounts, and when you might consider dipping into emergency cash savings, for example.
3. How did you handle money in previous relationships?
You can learn a lot about your partner’s money expectations and habits by asking how they dealt with finances in their previous relationships. This should give you an insight into how they might want to manage things in your relationship, if you haven’t already got established roles around finances. However, they may now want to do things differently based on their previous experiences.
It can be easy in long-term relationships for partners to slip into specific roles, such as one person managing the general admin, including tax returns and bills, while the other partner does the big life planning, such as holidays, adventures and house-hunting, for example. Of course, your natural strengths are likely to come into play, but it’s also important to share responsibilities around finances in particular, so you both know where you stand.
4. How are we going to combine finances?
Once your lives become more entwined, this is an essential conversation, and one you’re likely to have already had if you’ve been together for years. Perhaps you set up a joint bank account as soon as you moved in together and decided you’re in it for the long haul, paying both salaries into this, or you may have chosen to keep your money separate with, say, a combined pot just for essential bills. If you’ve only recently got together with your partner, you could consider drawing up an agreement together once things get serious, for example, reviewing this every six months to check that it’s still appropriate for your situation, and that you’re both comfortable with it.
No matter how you structure your finances, if you’re sharing decision-making power over your spending, you’ll want to keep track of your money and where it’s going. Ultimately, your partner’s spending and financial situation will impact on your own, so you need to be on the same page when it comes to how you merge your finances.
5. What are your money worries?
Part of being in a healthy relationship is feeling comfortable enough to share your worries, whatever they may be, and that includes any concerns you have around your finances. Of course, the spiralling cost of living will be a cause of concern for many couples, and it’s a good idea to sit down and work out together how you can tackle rising prices.
You can find plenty of tips in our article How to save money – 21 money-saving tips. However, there may also be specific concerns, too, such as dealing with any debts either of you might have. Find advice on how to tackle these in our guides on Dealing with debt.
Alternatively, you may be on the verge of retirement, but worrying about running out of money, and your pension failing to keep up with the rising cost of living. Provided you’re both willing to listen and avoid any judgement, you’ll most likely feel better once you’ve shared any concerns, and then you can work together on practical ways to address them.
6. Should we schedule money check-ins?
Setting aside time regularly to go through your finances together is a great way to ensure you and your partner stay on track with your goals, and check you’re still on the same page.
This could, for example, take the form of a monthly ‘money date’ when you look at your combined spending, savings, investments and other assets that you share.
You can also use this time to work out how you can cut your monthly bills, if possible, and plan how to cover any major expenditure that may be coming up. Before having these conversations, it’s ca good idea to gather together the necessary paperwork, figures and write down any points you might want to discuss.
7. When do you want to stop working?
The age at which you give up work isn’t set in stone, but as you enter your 50s and 60s, it’s an important subject to discuss with your partner.
You might want to take early retirement, and you can usually access your defined contribution pensions from age 55 (rising to 57 in 2028). However, most of us don’t stop working until at least age 60, and are more likely to reach retirement alongside the State Pension age, which is age 66 for both men and women. Read more in our articles When can I retire? and How the State Pension works.
Your anticipated retirement age may prompt a conversation around the impact of a dramatic change in either of your working lives, and how this might affect your relationship, so make sure to discuss any concerns with your partner. If one of you is still working full-time while the other has stopped working, for example, that one partner needs to financially support the other, so you’ll need to consider how this will work in practice.
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8. How much do we need to save for retirement?
The answer will, of course, depend on how and where you both plan to spend your retirement, what sort of lifestyle you want to have and how much income you are used to living on.
As a general rule of thumb, experts say you need an income of around two-thirds of your salary for a comfortable retirement. If you’re planning for plenty of holidays, you’ll need a much bigger amount. Read more in our article How much should I save for retirement?
Once you’ve worked out how much income you might need in retirement, you’ll want to consider how much you’ll need to save to achieve this, as well as looking at where your retirement savings are invested. As a couple, you’re likely to have a range of pension pots, investments and savings to provide a combined income in retirement, alongside the State Pension. Find out more in our guide Where is my pension invested?
9. What about worst-case scenarios?
It’s not nice thinking about how you’d manage if you broke up, or if one of you died, but having these conversations sooner rather than later could potentially save you a lot of heartache later on.
If you’re yet to move in together, you may want to draw up a cohabitation agreement, or a prenuptial agreement if you’re getting married and want to protect your assets. Read more in our articles Cohabiting – what are your rights? and Managing your money when you remarry.
If you haven’t already, you should also write wills, or make your partner the beneficiary for your life insurance, pension, and any other assets you have if you want to. Find out more in our guide The importance of writing a will. If you don’t have any life insurance, it’s worth discussing how you’d manage financially if one of you were no longer around. Learn more in our article Do I need life insurance?
Setting up a Lasting Power of Attorney (LPA) is worth considering too and can ensure that your money will be managed in the way you want if you’re unable to look after your finances yourself. Read more in our guide How to set up a lasting power of attorney. It’s also important to make sure you know how to access any shared accounts, investments and other assets if one of you falls ill, or passes away.
10. Should we seek further help?
If you’re arguing about how best to manage your finances, or have particular concerns, there is plenty of help available. If you can’t come to an agreement between you, relationship counselling may be an option worth considering, and you can find a professional counsellor near you on the Counselling Directory or try Relate, which has plenty of online resources to help couples talk about money.
If you’re planning your retirement together, you may want to seek advice on your options. If you’re 50 or over you can get free guidance from the Government’s Pension Wise service. However, if you want personal recommendations or advice about your specific circumstances, you’ll need to seek professional financial advice. Search for a financial advisor on VouchedFor or Unbiased, or check out our guide on How to find the right financial advisor for you for further information.
If you’re thinking about getting independent financial advice, financial services company Fidelius is offering Rest Less members a free initial consultation with an independent financial advisor to chat about your finances, where you are now, and where you want to go.
There’s no obligation, but if they feel you’d benefit from paid financial advice, they’ll go over how that works and the charges involved. Fidelius is rated 4.7/5 from over 1,000 reviews on VouchedFor, the review site for financial advisors.
Eight tips for having difficult money conversations with a partner
Set an agenda before you start, so you’re approaching the conversation as a formal meeting where emotions are less likely to come into play.
Be clear in advance what you want to talk about, and don’t present it as an ultimatum, but a subject you want to share your experience of, and help each other.
If there’s a lot to talk about, break it down into a few shorter chats to avoid the conversation becoming overwhelming or turning into a marathon session.
List things you want to discuss in order of difficulty, and start with the easier topics, such as cutting household bills, before moving onto managing debt, for example, or any issues around overspending.
Starting the conversation on a walk can feel less confrontational to your partner, or in a place where they are more likely to feel comfortable and willing to share their thoughts.
Agree in advance to stick to the subject in hand, rather than bringing up old arguments around money.
Consider how you’re communicating as you go, so are you talking more than listening? If you’re doing most of the talking, make sure you take time to listen to your partner and ask them questions.
It can be a good idea to both summarise the conversation at the end, so you’re confident you’ve heard each other, and if there are any resolved financial issues that need discussing, resolve to return to these at a later date.
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